Monday, January 5, 2009

New Movies

I saw some movies over the holidays. "Slumdog Millionaire." Or what I like to call Lifetime with Indian people. N

"Milk" with Sean Penn. How great was he? And then I learned that when married, he beat Madonna. Which made me love him more. What a talent!

Yea, it's not right to hit a woman. But I'm sure she's real easy to live. How could you not slap Madonna? "Kaballah this! And stop with British accent accent. You're from Detroit."

The Benjamin Buttons movie. Fascinating. The woman grew older while the man she loved got younger. Also called "The Demi Moore Story." Subtitled, "A Cougar's Tale." It was such a cougar's fantasy. And then they were getting it on. She was old woman. He was like a teenager. And I thought, "Am I watching a movie or a Florida classroom? I didn't realize she was playing a middle school teacher."

A New War

Ladies and gentleman, we are at war. And unlike terrorism and the threat of nuclear weapons, this enemy is perhaps more dangerous, because it comes from within. I am, of course, talking about belly fat.

We see the ads screaming from Google and Facebook. "Your tummy is flabby. Your teeth are brown. And you are disgusting."

But we can defeat this menace. With the spread of freedom, peace, and the Bender Ball, and the Crunchless Abs program, we can beat the spread of the spread. Or we can just wear freakin' Spanx. And tell Google to whiten its own damn teeth.

Friday, January 2, 2009

I Can Get Cabs

I am a white chick. Thus, I can get cabs. It's a special talent. Taxis nearly run each other over pick me up. When I'm walking late at night, a cab will inch up next to me, honk it's horn. They solicit me.

It also has to do with the fact that I am a magnet for middle eastern men. I'm very popular at newsstands. My Facebook friends requests looks like a terrorist watch list. "Muhammad Amoud wants to be your friend." I'm not sure if they know I'm a dirty Jew, but at any rate, they're my demographic.

So middle eastern cab drivers want to pick me up. Thus, it was one of the most proud moments of my life when I was able use this gift to secure a cab for a black family.

A family--a man, woman and child--asked me to help them out one night. I put up my hand. The taxi screeched to a halt. The driver smiled broadly, "Where do you need to go?" "South Bronx. Come on, Tyrone." And then the family, all donned in do-rags, including the two year old, climbed in. It was a moment for America. I think Obama is going to give me a Congressional Medal for it. "And for securing a taxi for black people in Times Square...Hilary Schwartz." Thank you.

Even More Annoyed Liberal

I was taking a jog with a friend past LA houses in Brentwood. Well, she was jogging. I was kind of moving in a semblance of jog. But basically, when I run, people pass me walking.

Some of the houses had tacky gold lions on the gates. My friend explained that these were the homes of Iranian immigrants. And yes, to us the decor is tacky. It's not our taste, but we can't impose our taste on another culture. If we only took to the same liberal point of view to white trash. "Pink Flamingos in the lawn aren't my taste." "Sitting in fold out chairs outside your mobile home, chugging a Pabst and then resting the beer on your belly fat isn't my choice...""Screwing my cousin isn't my idea of a fun Saturday night, but..."

Romance Musings

Several years ago, a boyfriend wanted to take a trip with me. His destination pick: Berlin. There was just no way I was picking up the phone and telling my family I am going away with my non-Jewish boyfriend to Germany. How could he suggest that? It's like asking taking your African-American lover on a transatlantic cruise. It's just in bad taste.

Oh, I just saw the Sex and the City movie. I can really relate to that show, except for the shopping, the dating, and the sex.

You know what song I love? Bruce Springsteen's "Secret Garden." It's either the most romantic song or just a ditty about vagina. If that song were written about me, it would be called "Secret Garden that needs to be weeded."

You know what? Who cares if relationships with men don't work out. I have a higher power. Yes, God finds me attractive. In the eyes of the Lord, I am a hot piece of ass.

My Christmas Card

Many of my friends with kids have been sending me Christmas cards with their very cute kids. Being single and childless, I still want to send out my own cards. I figure it'll be a photo of me holding my headshot.