Monday, December 8, 2008

More Annoyed Liberal

As Obama picks people from the Clinton era to fill his top posts, some wonder, is this really change?

Listen, change was a marketing theme. And like all good marketing themes, it has truth to it, but it's slanted. Yes, it's change we can believe in. And Bounty's the quickest picker-upper.

And Obama is doing the correct by picking people with experience. What did we think? He was going to hire 20 year olds from his rallies. "The new Secretary of Commerce is Jonas. Jonas most recently worked at Starbucks. And his band's album is on CD baby."

When it comes down to it, Obama knows you got to have experience. It's what I always like best about Obama. He's so much smarter than his supporters.

My New Slogan

This post is really just for comedians.

As I plan my website, I'm thinking that a slogan that really defines who I am and where I stand in the comedy community is in order. Here are the front runners.

Hilary Schwartz: When You Really, Really Can't get Rachel Feinstein
Susan Prekel not available? Try Hilary Schwartz. Yea, it feels risky...but...oh, just call Chelsea Peretti.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

The Annoyed Liberal

Most people I know are pretty liberal. So during the campaign, my friends said, "If McCain wins, I'm moving to Canada." And I was like, "Then go McCain." No, I did not want him to be President, but I did need a break from these people. My annoying friends moving to Canada? That is change I can believe in.

Yes, I'm one of those white liberals. And you know what? We're annoying too. I'm the kind of annoying white liberal that whenever I make a friend who's a minority, I immediately put them in my Top 8 Friends, so I can show them off at my non-profit job.

As a white liberal, I also enjoy accusing other whites people of being racist without much evidence. As in, "I thought Hillary Clinton's health plan was better." "What, are you in the Ku Klux Klan?

White liberals' main goal in life is to not seem racist. It's more important than anything. That's why if some conservative preacher says hateful things about gays, it's, "This guy's an asshole." But if Louis Farrakhan talks shit about Jews, we're like, "He has some good points. What else does he have to say?" You know what's really not racist? Calling them both out equally. It's not the color of their skin. It's the content of their fucked-up character.

And why is it still okay to dump on the Jews? Just because we hate ourselves doesn't mean everyone can jump on the bandwagon. Yes, hating on Jews is one of my favorite activities. That and yoga. But that doesn't mean everyone can pile on. Anti-Semitism. Yet another thing the Jews invented.

You know who must be secretly disappointed in Obama's win? Michael Moore. Criticizing government was his bread and butter. What's he going to do now? He'll have to write "Stupid Half-White Men."

Parts of Fahrenheit 9-11 were ridiculous. Like he said that the media scared us after 9-11. As if the Towers were taken down by a blog. He blames journalism for instilling fear in people. Then he said people like Marilyn Manson just reflect society. So Michael Moore's main message was, it's not the media…it's the media.

Since Obama's election, here are other things I'm looking forward to not hearing from fellow liberals: "Well, in Europe, everything is great." and something I once heard out of a "rational" person's mouth: "American is the only country that has racism." As if Parisians and Muslims are skipping together hand-in-hand down the Champs-Elysees.

So you really have to respect the conservatives. They are for life, a culture of life...except if you are an Iraqi. But if you are an American embryo, living in a petrie dish in these United States, they will go to the ends of the earth to save you...until they make up a reason to send you to war.

And they actually think the Bible is the word of God. When people take the Bible that literally, you can't speak to them rationally. You have to speak on their level. "Yes, God did write most of the Bible. But then Satan stole the manuscript. It was on the seventh day when God rested. The Devil wrote in those things about homosexuality and slavery. And then he snuck it back on God's desk. It's true. You never learned this in Sunday School? The break-in by Beelzebub? Never?"

And then there are the conservatives with their guns and hunting. It's disgusting. They need to be more like us liberals and buy their meat from Whole Foods like good hypocrites. Please, let them have their hunting. I don't like them shooting those animals, but they don't like me aborting my late-term fetus. We don't have the same hobbies. You say tomato; I say get out of my uterus.