Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Only gay men notice my tits

"Oh look at your boobs. So beautiful." No, not the comments from hetero men. I'm getting to the point where only gay men notice my boobs. Straight men now insult me by looking me in the eyes.

While performing at a rowdy gay bar, a man yelled out, "Look at your breasts." There was no hope of getting them to pay attention to my stand-up. So I did what anyone would do. I flashed them. All while screaming, "I am an artist!""I do incisive social commentary!" "I have things to say!" But at this point, I gotta take the breast-attention where I can get it. And why not sacrifice my integrity to get it?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Viagra side effect

New reports say that a side effect of Viagra is hearing loss. That's a man's dream. Being able to fuck a woman without having to listen to her. Because you know what they say. Behind every great man is a woman, he's trying to shut up.

It is art

There's an art exhibit currently happening at the MOMA. Naked people are everywhere. I thought that's usually called a strip club. But I guess now it's art. "Yea, we have people smoking pipes. No, it's not a crack den. It's art."

At the beginning of the exhibit, you go through an entrance-way between two nude people. People say, the effect is to make you uncomfortable. Of course it makes you uncomfortable! That's why they don't make real entrance-ways out of naked people. They use bricks.

Museum-goers are emotional and moved when they see the exhibit. Yes, moved to join Weight Watchers.

Write it on the Google Doc

Most offices now use tons of Google Docs. Wonder if it's everywhere? Like at the Defense Department. "Put this on the Iraq Google Doc. No, that's the Afghanistan tab." 'Is that Iran." "We just want to have the spreadsheet ready."

Smashed Pussy

A comic said to soldiers in the audience, "Why aren't you out smashing pussy?" Smashing pussy. That's just the kind of romantic talk women love to hear.

Smashing pussy. Is that the name of a band?

It really sounds like a side dish. Meatloaf and smashed pussy. Something Paula Deen would make. "You put in a pound of butter. Then you smash the pussy."

I don't care how long your baby is

Married friends sending out birth announcements: I don't care how long your baby is. Length? Don't give a crap. Same really about weight. If it's in the range of normal, don't tell me. Now if it's 2 feet long and 32 pounds, that's something I want to know.


I was waiting on line to pay at a deli. The cashier was taking a seriously long time. I finally got up to pay and the guy took that opportunity to say to me, "I don't like black people. Yap yap too much." Nice. So I said I don't like slow Latinos. Then I gave him a ticket to Arizona. Yes, fighting racism with racism.

Actually I always go to a cafe in my neighborhood. Hippy white people serve you. They take forever to make a freakin' bagel. That's when I pray to be served by an illegal immigrant.

Happy Memorial Day

It was Fleet Week in New York City. And I must say I am not so into the men in uniform. Now, if it were unemployed hippy loser week, I would be all over it. "Look at him. He looks like a derelict homeless man. I'm so glad it's stoner week."

Problem is I lover stoner guys. I hate pot. It's terrible. It's like asking a fish not to swim.

I had a three-day weekend so I went to the cat shelter I volunteer at three times. The women asked if I was sure I wanted to come again for the third time. It's official: Crazy cat ladies are finding me pitiful.