Save the Children

It's weird how people justify beating kids. You hear this, "Yea, Daddy took a belt to me. But those were times." Yea, they used to throw Jews and gypsies in the oven. But those were the times. When women spoke their minds, they were set of fire. It was the fashion.

There was just a big newspaper report: the agency in charge of protecting abused kids lost eight children in New York City the last 12 months. On their watch, eight children died in New York City. Not bad! Only eight kids in all of New York City? If I were in charge of that agency, I'd say, "We have to do better. We must do better. But good work, people." No, don't get me wrong. It's tragic. But in every job there's going to be error. I mean, baseball players who are paid 50 million dollars are allowed to miss 8 out of 10 at bat. But these 20k-a-year case workers who go into these homes and are practically shot at, we expect to be perfect.

I mean, how would I like my work mistakes to be splattered on the cover of the New York Post? In the last 12 months, Hilary Schwartz: 5,841 typos.

Attempted Suicide: What Bullshit!

Every day you hear about people, like actor Owen Wilson, who try and fail to kill themselves. Why are so many failing their suicide attempts? What is the difficulty? There are high buildings all around us. Surely you can get a gun. Every 12 year old has one. You don't know how many pills to take? Google it! In this information age, there is no excuse for failed self-offings.

Often you hear about an attempted suicide: "Maybe it was just a cry for help." You think so, brainiac? Let's hope it's a cry for help. Otherwise, these people aren't just clinically depressed, they're incompetent.

You know, some days I want to kill myself. But then I look in the mirror. And the thought comes: "What, and waste this hot ass?" It's hard to kill yourself when you have dark hair and light eyes. You think, "I must soldier on, for humanity." Yes, behind my insecurity lies a deep-rooted arrogance.

Linday Lohan: A Bump in the Road

I'm getting older. I work with some people in their early 20s and they were obsessed with the Paris Hilton going to jail scandal. I could care less. I thought, "Isn't there some good gossip about Morgan Fairchild? What's happening with the cast of Knots Landing?"

But the recent Lindsay Lohan controversy caught my attention. She was arrested for DUI, but people seem more upset with the small amount of cocaine found in her pocket. But she had to pep herself up. She had to drive! The law should be do not drink and drive...without cocaine. I don't get behind the wheel on Benadryl without blow. So please, kids, do not operate heavy machinery unless you've popped an upper.

Live Earth: A Commentary

Live Earth was celebrity-filled concert that spanned seven continents to raise awareness about conservation. Do you know what it takes to put on a concert across seven continents? A lot of energy! Yes, that's what we should do with our last remaining resources. Jet around Bon Jovi. The event was against its very cause. It's as if at Live Aid, we made Africans vomit up food.

I'm so sick of the way they think we'll follow any movement if it's pitched with celebrities. "People will listen to the dangers of global warming, if it's told to them by Carmen Electra." I turned on Live Earth, heard what Cameron Diaz is doing to save the planet, and then personally spilled an oil tanker. This is not the kind of earth I want to save.