Monday, July 5, 2010

Press "1" for Non-Stupidity

Many are upset about immigrants who don't learn the English language. A woman I know is very upset about, particularly because she herself is a immigrant...from England! Yes, she had so such trouble learning the language! "When I came to this country, I spelled the word 'color' with a 'u'! It wasn't easy!' "When I swam across the Atlantic and landed on the Upper East Side, I put periods outside the quotation marks. But I learned!" "Should I demand to press '2' for Queen's English?!"


I think women should wear burqas. You know how we're always complaining about being cold? That's why men really want women to wear them. To control the thermostat. "How's the temparature?" "Very comfortable." "Good. Because Allah wants me to keep it a good 68 degrees."

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Some questions that haunt me

Lesbian or midwest?
Does that haircut say she likes women or is she just from Ohio?

Gay or just a straight guy from San Francisco?

And one close to home, inspired by my mother:

Retarded or southern?

Why is she asking these moronic questions? Why is she saying these idiotic things?

Is she mentally challenged or just from Texas?

My mother asks questions I can never answer. Like, "Do you still just love New York?"

As if at any point I walk in a state of constant love, especially in New York. Oh yes, when I step over that garbage and the rat runs across my foot, that's when I twirl down the street and throw my beret in the air, wand sing Frank Sinatra.

One of my favorite of her questions, when we're having a meal: "Taste good to you?" What, you mean the barf coming up my throat now that you said that statement?

My mother gets way too excited about things. "I met this man who has son who you may want to meet." Lie she's about to break out into, "And what I'm trying to say, sugar, is it's a man. A real live man. A man, mama? Thank the Lord. Especially since the war is on and all the menfolk have been shipped off."

The Most Dramatic Bachelorette Ever

On this season's Bachelorette, as Allie goes through this journey, some men aren't there for the right reasons, leading to some of the most dramatic rose ceremonies ever.

Because Allie has given up everything to be here: Her job, her apartment. All things she could find on Craigslist.

Because, dear Lord, how will she find another studio apartment and job in Internet Advertising Sales?

So far Allie seems most drawn to Frank, who gets way to excited about things for a straight man. "Lisbon! YES!!" But then again, Allie comes from San Francisco. So compared to where she's been, Frank must seem downright macho. So what if you can imagine him listening to Lady Gaga?

Are these guys there for the right reasons? Am I watching for the right reasons? Have I lost all reason? 'Til next week.