Sunday, January 30, 2011

Hating Sarah Palin Is Like Crack

“I am a Democrat and I am addicted to bashing Sarah Palin.” “Hi, Democrat.”

Bashing Sarah Palin has become a favorite pastime. But it has spun out of control into an all-out addiction. Sure, it started out as recreation. “Hey, I’m making fun of Sarah Palin. I like to party.” But now it’s our crack. It’s cheap. It’s no longer good for us.

Our favorite mantra is “Sarah Palin is so stupid.” Meanwhile, she should be up in Alaska saying, “Democrats are so stupid. They’re bashing me as if I even matter.”

What’s our supposed nightmare? Sarah Palin as the Republican nominee? We should only be so lucky. Obama, at the nadir of his popularity beats her handily.

If we were as smart as we think we are, we should conduct an about-face and unleash an avalanche of Tweets: “Sarah Palin is my hero.” “Wow, she is smart, even if she did kill those people in Tuscon.”

What’s a real nightmare? We all continue to spit out, “I hate Sarah Palim. What an imbecile.” Meanwhile Hail to the Chief is playing to an introduction of President Romney…or Huckabee.”

And why don’t we have as much of a problem with these guys? They’re smarter than Palin. But that’s exactly what petrifies me! That’s what we really need: Someone with the same beliefs as Palin who can actually form sentences.

Listen, I know it’s fun to continue to mock Palin for the third straight year. The tabloids, the imbecility, the fake glasses. It’s gold. But we have to branch out. What is she’s not on Republican ticket? We haven’t developed any other material!

But it’s not easy. What have we got with Mitt Romney? “Mitt? What is that? A name or a baseball glove.” It’s lame.. And as progressives, we don’t want to go after his Mormonism. That is disrespectful and wrong. Although, when it comes to religions, it is one of the funnier ones. Hey, if Romney wins, who will be the First Ladies? Plural. Get it? Okay, you do.

And Huckabee? I hear my fellow liberal friends say, “But he’s such a nice guy,” as if congeniality matters when he stands for everything we’re against? We wouldn’t afford the same leniency to a guest a dinner party. “You supported the invasion of Iraq, are against a woman’s right to choose, and believe homosexuality is a sin against God.” That’s okay, because you are such a nice guy. Yes, please continue to date my sister. More couscous?”

It’s time to take off the “mitts” on these guys. Huckabee’s such a nice guy. Yea, but his weight fluctuates more the Oprah’s. There. It’s done. I broke the cherry. It’s a terrible joke. But the first time is never good.

Or we may have to do the unthinkable and take these men on based on the issues. Believe me. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to read a newspaper with regularity. I would rather just watch Bristol on “Dancing with the Stard.” But we must take the leap sometime.

So next time you’re talking with a bunch of progressive friends and the irresistible urge comes up to hate on Palin, take a deep breath. Ask yourself, “What is this really going to get me?” Yes, it will be a moment of pleasure. But soon you’ll be passed out drunk through the election of the next Republican President.

Let’s at least take the first step and admit we have a problem.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

The “N” Word

No, it’s not the really terrible “N” word, don’t worry. I’m just talking about “Nazi.” And if you listen to political discourse today, it’s certainly not taboo. It’s barely even a bad word. The term is thrown around more frequently and lightly than “lol” on text message.

Now, silly me, I thought Nazi referred to someone who committed genocide. Now apparently it means someone who supports a healthcare bill. The word has lost all meaning. It has become the equivalent of "Doo-doo Head." You may as well be hearing, "My esteemed colleague is a doo-doo head."

Political discourse has become kids hurling insults at each other in the schoolyard. "You're a Nazi!" "I know you are but what am I?"

Nazi now refers to someone who is kind of a jerk. And Hitler is someone you disagree with.

What are we going to do if actual Nazis reappear? "You know, Nazis are back in Europe." "Nazis? You mean dorks?" "No, mass murderers!" "Oh. I thought a Nazi means someone who has the cooties."

The far right has certainly lost it. Putting a Hitler mustache on a photo of Obama is crazy. And putting a Hitler mustache on Obama and displaying it in New York’s Upper West Side is certifiable.

But the far left may have opened the door in the last decade by comparing George Bush with Hitler and his administration to the Third Reich. (Hey, but at least the far left didn’t have entire cable channel to spew and legitimize its message).

Yet, during the Bush years, I heard the comparisons: “The Third Reich trampled on civil rights. The Bush administration tramples on civil rights. The Third Reich hid coffins. The Bush administration hides coffins.” They may as well have said, “The Nazi like to bowl. The White House has a bowling alley.”

It’s an illogical equivalent. Just because certain characteristics are alike, does not make them equals. It’s like claiming, “A chair has four legs and you sit on it. Therefore, a chair is a horse.” “No, I disagree. A chair is not a horse.” “But you have to admit, a chair is very similar to a llama.”

The humorizing and lightening of the word “Nazi” has been going on some time. I remember in the 90s, when “Seinfeld” popularized “The Soup Nazi.” Suddenly everyone was jokingly using the word. Everyone became a Nazi. Friends would use it after workouts with trainers: “She’s such an Exercise Nazi.” People weren’t even waiting until all Holocaust survivors died before using “Nazi” to poke light fun at your spin instructor.

The present political climate, however, intends to use the word seriously. But the absurdity of its use has taken away the sting. If someone calls me a Nazi now, I may confuse it with a compliment. I’d figure I was having a good hair day.

Can we please put Nazi back in its proper context? Let’s agree, unless someone is rounding up groups of people and leading them to certain death, do not call them a Nazi. May I suggest instead the lovely term, “dickwad”? What’s wrong with a good old-fashioned, "That guy’s a tool”? When it comes to politics, Nazis are few and far between. But nearly everyone’s a tool.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

We Sell Solutions to Help Grow Your Business

I am continuing my rant about the vague and obfuscating language in today's advertising and marketing.

Notice how companies no longer sell things like copiers, they sell "solutions." About 20 years ago, someone got this brilliant idea that "we don't sell things; we now sell solutions to grow your business," and companies have been running with this nonsense for the last two decades.

And why do use this language? Because they think it sounds smart. But really, it does just the opposite. That's because we used to be able to connect the dots ourselves. We knew that our problem was that we needed copies. We needed the solution of getting those duplicates. And distributing those copies to more customers would grow our business. We put that all together with our little noodles.

So in attempting to talk to us like we're smart, they're now speaking to us like we're total idiots.

So thank you for spelling out what a copier can do for me, you pretentious, patronizing fucks.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Pie Charts and Bull Shit

We as a nation don't make anything anymore. All we do are pie charts. We're going to be owned by China while suffocating under the weight of our Powerpoint slides. We used to be concerned about just survival. You think a caveperson would etch on bar graph on a cave wall, "Eating of boar meat increased 5% in the last quarter. Would cavepeople have a vague marketing company. "We provide turnkey solutions for gathering berries."

And speaking of being sick of things. You know who I'm sick of? "Sully" Sullenberg. No, I'm not really sick of him. But I am sick of corporate people using Sully to beef up their PowerPoint presentations. "And if we can tap into the courage and expertise of a Sully Sullenberg, then we can make 1st quarter projections here at American Regional Tire Center."