The Split

In this country, there are two groups that have fundamentally different viewpoints of the world: those that think the Bible is God's law, and those of us that think that God's law is really man's law, as man really created it. It's such different premises of reality that we'll never come together. We really should break off into different countries if we did not need them to fight our wars for oil.

Mr. Mrs.

At work we keep a database of customers. A co-worker always types the women’s names with “Mrs.” It’s hard enough to keep track of their emails. Now we have to know their marital status? “We’ll set up your account. And by the way, how’s your relationship? Are she and her husband still making whoopee?”

I told him you need to use “Ms” and he said, “You’re such a feminist.” That’s not the point, dimwit. Maybe we shouldn’t be in our customer’s bedrooms. And how do you find out if they’re married? Do you come out and ask? Or just dance around it like, “How many cats do you have? Are you going to die alone?” Well, men die first so that doesn’t prove anything.

What if the customer is a eunuch or thinks of gender as a societal construct?

Mrs. Beatrice Johnson. So formal like it should be in calligraphy. Jesus, this is not a Jane Austin novel. This is a call center!

What kind of Jew are you?

There are different types of Jews. There are those with the long skirts, hats, and I don't relate to them so much. I consider them more Amish. You have your Jappy Jews. Some people look at me and just first, cursive glance, may consider me Jappy. But if I were a Jap, I'd be a failed Jap.

No, I'm ot so much Real Housewives, but a social worker-type Jew. The type of Jew who's likely carrying trail mix. One who would teach composition to English as a second language students. Who would adopt a Guatemalan baby to make a statement. Other Jews may run the banks and the media. I'll run the soup kitchen.

The type of Jew who feels really badly about everything. You don't know why but you'll use it.

Inside Snow Job

9/11 conspiracy theorists: I would believe them if they didn't all look like loons. I would listen to their arguments, if I wasn't distracted by their eyeballs going in five different directions.

Even their websites look they're created by psychopaths. What is that font called? Satan?

I'm surprised how widespread some of these beliefs are. Like the belief the buildings shouldn't have fallen down because of planes crashing into them. They say the guy who made the building said they wouldn't fall. I'm sorry, you're believing a vendor? The guy who wanted the contract? Of course he would say they would withstand an airplane crash. I can also do a 90 minute set clean. At least that's what I tell the booker.

The problem is, on one side we have witnessed live and on footage, planes crashing into the buildings and the buildings falling. On the other, you have words. What am I going to believe. What was seen by a billion people or your blog?

I do think the 9/11 conspiracies prove something very compelling. There is a common thread. Behind all those arguments are guys who smoke too much weed. Can anyone give me these arguments who is not baked? They say, "There's so much written about it being an inside job." You know what's also been written a lot about? How hallucinogens cause delusions and paranoia.

I'll Let You Have Your Privacy

Doctors' offices don't even pretend to be in the service business anymore. "We can squeeze you in tomorrow at 12:30." "Nothing later?" "No, either tomorrow at 12:30 or suffer forever!"

It's gotten to the point that I'm now going to an old male gynecologist, because then I would be one of the only patients. Most are too creeped out to go to men, much less old men anymore. "The Doctor is ready to see you now. He's been ready for a while. When he graduated in 1950, they didn't think women could become doctors."

They have a nurse be in the room with the gyno when he examines you. It's the law. But it just creeps me out more. I wasn't freaked out until she came in. It makes me wonder what would have happened if she weren't there.

Then the gyno said to undress below the waist, sit and put a sheet over me. Then he said, "I'll step out so you can have some privacy." Are you kidding? I'd rather you not waste the couple of minutes going out and the drop the charade. Yes, I have problem with you seeing me from ten feet away, but spread eagle is fine. I don't want to see a penis from across the street, just in my face.

Before I saw a female African-American gynecologist, which I constantly bragged about. I'd work it into conversations where it didn't belong. "Yes, it is hot today. Just like Africa. Speaking of Africa, my gynecologist..."

But not only was she really popular, she was hardly available because she's a genius and got in a practice that treated many Orthodox Jews. So she was constantly in the hospital delivering the Scheckel's eight and ninth babies.

I try to make statements with my choices. I also went to a pet store owned by Palestinians. I didn't even love the store, but when I heard that, I thought, I have to come back. This is the way to heal the rift, one bag of litter at a time. I would have gone to that store longer but they wanted too much land.

I must show my progressiveness. Back during the MySpace age, I would always try to include at least three black people in my top friends. Sometimes, I barely new them. One was my barista I just me that morning. Because I have to show that my life is a rainbow.

Oh, it's starting with the woman in the mirror.

This Blog Is Happening for a Reason

People need to put a positive spin on pain. "I went through this pain for a reason." "It all happens for a reason." "I had to go through all this to become the person I was meant to be." I can never get my head around this thinking. I wish I could. I'd love to impose an up-ending narrative on everything that's painful and tragic in the world.

I can't quite see that things happens for a reason. Nor can I get behind the idea that you are put through pain to become the person you were meant to be. Who pre-determines this person you were meant to be? And is this the same for every living thing? That mouse was eaten by the cat to become the gobbled-up rodent it was meant to be? But I guess the mouse did die for a reason. The cat was hungry.

What are these people even talking about when they say such platitudes?

You hear a lot of this talk in self-help-type workshops and groups. I know about this talk because well, I've gone to a lot of these things. And I like some of the wisdom and feelings shared.

But there are certain cliches that really get me. Such as this one I heard recently regarding suffering: "I think that we, at least we in the West, behave based on our suffering." What? We in the West? You can't speak for a whole hemisphere! So people in the East don't behave this way? And is this everyone in the East? So what you're describing applies to each of the billions of people in China AND Malaysia AND Pakistan AND Uzbekistan AND eastern Russia? And we, the West, does that include the Inuits or Native Hawaiians? And what about Africa? Do Africans behave this way, or only those places with Western influence? So just South Africa? Or not all of India, not, but the British-influenced India? By the West, are you just trying to say white people?

Or do you really mean the hemispheres? And does that mean there is a longitudinal line that delineates the East and West and the behavior changes once you've crossed that line? What if you have one foot in each hemisphere? Does half of you act out of your suffering?

Is this ridiculous-sounding dribble in line with the person you were meant to be? Instead of trying to explain that things happen for a "reason," why don't you instead start speaking with reason? That is what's really meant to be.

I Do Want to Marry My Dog

Now that gay people can marry, I do want to marry my dog. We really get along. No, believe me, I have never been attracted to a dog. But they say in marriage, the sex leaves anyhow and you’re just left with companionship. No one is a better companion. Who wouldn't want to marry your "best friend"? And I could register for pet supplies. I would have never thought of marrying my dog in a million years. But it’s a great idea. Thank you, homophobic crazies.