Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Inside Snow Job

9/11 conspiracy theorists: I would believe them if they didn't all look like loons. I would listen to their arguments, if I wasn't distracted by their eyeballs going in five different directions.

Even their websites look they're created by psychopaths. What is that font called? Satan?

I'm surprised how widespread some of these beliefs are. Like the belief the buildings shouldn't have fallen down because of planes crashing into them. They say the guy who made the building said they wouldn't fall. I'm sorry, you're believing a vendor? The guy who wanted the contract? Of course he would say they would withstand an airplane crash. I can also do a 90 minute set clean. At least that's what I tell the booker.

The problem is, on one side we have witnessed live and on footage, planes crashing into the buildings and the buildings falling. On the other, you have words. What am I going to believe. What was seen by a billion people or your blog?

I do think the 9/11 conspiracies prove something very compelling. There is a common thread. Behind all those arguments are guys who smoke too much weed. Can anyone give me these arguments who is not baked? They say, "There's so much written about it being an inside job." You know what's also been written a lot about? How hallucinogens cause delusions and paranoia.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I'll Let You Have Your Privacy

Doctors' offices don't even pretend to be in the service business anymore. "We can squeeze you in tomorrow at 12:30." "Nothing later?" "No, either tomorrow at 12:30 or suffer forever!"

It's gotten to the point that I'm now going to an old male gynecologist, because then I would be one of the only patients. Most are too creeped out to go to men, much less old men anymore. "The Doctor is ready to see you now. He's been ready for a while. When he graduated in 1950, they didn't think women could become doctors."

They have a nurse be in the room with the gyno when he examines you. It's the law. But it just creeps me out more. I wasn't freaked out until she came in. It makes me wonder what would have happened if she weren't there.

Then the gyno said to undress below the waist, sit and put a sheet over me. Then he said, "I'll step out so you can have some privacy." Are you kidding? I'd rather you not waste the couple of minutes going out and the drop the charade. Yes, I have problem with you seeing me from ten feet away, but spread eagle is fine. I don't want to see a penis from across the street, just in my face.

Before I saw a female African-American gynecologist, which I constantly bragged about. I'd work it into conversations where it didn't belong. "Yes, it is hot today. Just like Africa. Speaking of Africa, my gynecologist..."

But not only was she really popular, she was hardly available because she's a genius and got in a practice that treated many Orthodox Jews. So she was constantly in the hospital delivering the Scheckel's eight and ninth babies.

I try to make statements with my choices. I also went to a pet store owned by Palestinians. I didn't even love the store, but when I heard that, I thought, I have to come back. This is the way to heal the rift, one bag of litter at a time. I would have gone to that store longer but they wanted too much land.

I must show my progressiveness. Back during the MySpace age, I would always try to include at least three black people in my top friends. Sometimes, I barely new them. One was my barista I just me that morning. Because I have to show that my life is a rainbow.

Oh, it's starting with the woman in the mirror.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

This Blog Is Happening for a Reason

People need to put a positive spin on pain. "I went through this pain for a reason." "It all happens for a reason." "I had to go through all this to become the person I was meant to be." I can never get my head around this thinking. I wish I could. I'd love to impose an up-ending narrative on everything that's painful and tragic in the world.

I can't quite see that things happens for a reason. Nor can I get behind the idea that you are put through pain to become the person you were meant to be. Who pre-determines this person you were meant to be? And is this the same for every living thing? That mouse was eaten by the cat to become the gobbled-up rodent it was meant to be? But I guess the mouse did die for a reason. The cat was hungry.

What are these people even talking about when they say such platitudes?

You hear a lot of this talk in self-help-type workshops and groups. I know about this talk because well, I've gone to a lot of these things. And I like some of the wisdom and feelings shared.

But there are certain cliches that really get me. Such as this one I heard recently regarding suffering: "I think that we, at least we in the West, behave based on our suffering." What? We in the West? You can't speak for a whole hemisphere! So people in the East don't behave this way? And is this everyone in the East? So what you're describing applies to each of the billions of people in China AND Malaysia AND Pakistan AND Uzbekistan AND eastern Russia? And we, the West, does that include the Inuits or Native Hawaiians? And what about Africa? Do Africans behave this way, or only those places with Western influence? So just South Africa? Or not all of India, not, but the British-influenced India? By the West, are you just trying to say white people?

Or do you really mean the hemispheres? And does that mean there is a longitudinal line that delineates the East and West and the behavior changes once you've crossed that line? What if you have one foot in each hemisphere? Does half of you act out of your suffering?

Is this ridiculous-sounding dribble in line with the person you were meant to be? Instead of trying to explain that things happen for a "reason," why don't you instead start speaking with reason? That is what's really meant to be.

Monday, July 11, 2011

I Do Want to Marry My Dog

Now that gay people can marry, I do want to marry my dog. We really get along. No, believe me, I have never been attracted to a dog. But they say in marriage, the sex leaves anyhow and you’re just left with companionship. No one is a better companion. Who wouldn't want to marry your "best friend"? And I could register for pet supplies. I would have never thought of marrying my dog in a million years. But it’s a great idea. Thank you, homophobic crazies.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

(fill in the blank) is like Hitler

Hitler and Nazi used to mean people who committed genocide. Now they're used to describe someone who slightly annoys us.

The Hitler and Nazi comparison in politics must end.

It is, of course, absurd to compare Barack Obama to Hitler. But those who have compared George Bush to Hitler and his administration to Nazi Germany are also at fault.

I used to hear commentators on radio doing the comparisons. "Just look at the similarities. It's startling." they'd say. "The Administration is curbing rights. Nazi Germany curbed rights. The Bush administration is not allowing the media to show military coffins. Nazis did the same." They may as well have added, "The White House has a bowling alley. The Nazis loved bowling."

Even today, some of those rightly upset about the crazy Obama/Third Reich comparisons consider it appropriate with Bush. "Well, the commonalities are striking." Just because thing A shares elements in common with thing B, does not make them the same or even similar. It's like saying, "A horse has four legs. So does a desk. Therefore a horse is a lot like a desk." Mm, not really.

Some people just don't get why you should not compare anyone with Hitler other than other architects of mass murder. Why? Because you sound crazy and nothing you say after that can be taken seriously.

When people hear Hitler or Nazi Germany, the immediate next thoughts are nine million murdered, gas chambers, and piles of skeletons. That is by far the headline on him. Nothing else comes close. So when you compare Obama or George Bush or Dick Cheney to Hitler, this is what you sound like:

Person 1: That guy is just like O.J. Simpson.
Person 2: You mean he murdered two people?
Person 1: No, he stole memorabilia.


Person 1: That guy is just like O.J. Simpson?
Person 2: Because he killed and got away with it?
Person 1: No. Because he's a spokesperson for a rental car company.

You sound like a loon, who is not in touch with common human reality. And you take away any credibility you may have had prior. No one will listen anything you say after that, nor should they.

So my political enemies and friends alike, please stop. Just stop.

Monday, June 27, 2011

fashion sense - nun

You know how nuns dress when they’re out of their uniform. It’s exactly how male to female transsexuals dress. Skirt up to their boobs, the bow on their shirt, those horrible lady flats. It’s like they both got their style cues from 1930s schoolmarms. Strange that two groups with such different sensibilities have the same style sensibility.

There needs to be a fashion intervention for both of them on one show. Queer eye for the former guy. “Matching orange pocketbook and shoes. We need to get you out of that habit.”


At work, we have a customer database. A guy at my work, when he puts in a woman’s name, he selects “Mrs.” I told him it should be Ms. And he goes, “Oh, you’re such a feminist.”

No, ot’s not just about being a feminist, you pea-brained little boy boy. Mrss is impractical. We can barely keep track of their contact information, now we have to keep up with the status of their relationships?

“Hi. What? You can’t log onto the site? Okay, we’ll take care of that. And by the way, how is your marriage? How are things in the bedroom? We need this for our records. So, do you fight over money?….Psst. She’s on Firefox and she’s separated. So note that in the database. Choose Ms. She says Mrs. Is just too painful."

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Just My Imagination

A guy I know said his computer broke down, so he had to masturbate using his imagination. Welcome to being a woman. We always use our imagination. We don't exactly take out a picture of George Clooney and have at it.

I can't believe anyone would think woman are more stupid than men. Men whack off, salivating like retarded monkeys. Meanwhile we turn into Victorian novelists. We're Virginia Woolf with a vibrator.

We use our imagination to masturbate. We also use our imagination while having sex with you. Some say women aren't visual when it comes to sex. But we like looking at good looking men. We've just learned to shut our eyes. You look so much better in there. You get full makeovers. In our minds, you have another haircut, other clothes, you're someone else.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Hollywood now celebrates the beauty of black, well, light cappucino women

On the Oscars, Halle Barry honored Lena Horne, who was a trailblazer, and allowed for someone like Halle Barry to follow. But at this point in time, can we stop acting so proud that the door has been swung open for black women who look pretty white.

Beige Lena Horne paving the way for latte-toned Halle Barry is not breaking new ground. If romantic comedies started starring the girl from Precious. That would be ground-breaking.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Teaching Should Be the Profession Judged by Merit

There has been a lot of debate lately about giving teacher's merit and performance-based pay, as well as getting rid of bad teachers. Some say this: teachers should be rewarded if they do a good job and fired if they do bad, "just as it is in every other line of work."

My question for the people who make this statement: What are these other professions where you're rewarded or fired based on merit?

Some people have this idea that the private sector creates this objective evaluation of employees. Is this the way it's worked in any private sector job you have had? Because it certainly has not in mine.

Come on. Who are they kidding when they say, "just as it is in every other industry"? This is way it really is: You're a manager who nearly bankrupts a financial institution. Result: Million dollar bonus. You're a coke, crack and probably meth-head. Result: 1.8 million dollars an episode.

And there are countless small examples in everyday life. There's a guy I should have fired a year ago. Can't bring myself to do it. A woman who gets in at mid-afternoon. But hell, she does a good job once she's there. Result: raise!

We all know of times the powers that be have kept somebody on because, hell, they sometimes bring in cookies. And it's just so annoying to train someone else. Or he/she's sleeping with the VP.

Why don't these teacher-bashers say the only thing that makes sense, which is to make teaching the ONLY merit-based profession. Why don't they say, let's reward good performance and punish bad, the opposite of how it is everywhere else.

Men Are Addicted to the Charlie Sheen Fantasy

A lot of guys defend Charlie Sheen. And they defended Tiger Woods during the height of his scandal. These celebrities are fantasies for men. They're leading the life they want to live, rich and without rules. But more than that, it's as if real men one day expect to be them and live that life. But they won't.

Regular guys defending Charlie Sheen is like blue collar workers voting Republican because one day they will be rich.

America likes to pretend that the exception is the rule. Because someone made millions of dollars, you can millions. Because someone is a billionaire, gets any woman he wants, is a crackhead, and just gets more money for it, so can you. No you can't.

Face it. You're not going to be Charlie Sheen or Tiger Woods. You will continue to be drug tested for your cubicle job. If you're a crackhead, you'll be fired and homeless. And if you continuously cheat on your wife, she will leave you and take half your money. And you only have $300.

Monday, February 7, 2011

To quote Malcolm Gladwelll...

I thoroughly enjoy the Malcolm Gladwell books. They are very interesting.

But too many people now drop his name at parties too proudly, almost congratulating themselves for having read such heavy tomes. "You've read Malcolm Gladwell, right?"

Get over it. These books are not that complicated. You read a reader-friendly 200 pages. Stop acting like you waded through five volumes of Kierkegaard.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Hating Sarah Palin Is Like Crack

“I am a Democrat and I am addicted to bashing Sarah Palin.” “Hi, Democrat.”

Bashing Sarah Palin has become a favorite pastime. But it has spun out of control into an all-out addiction. Sure, it started out as recreation. “Hey, I’m making fun of Sarah Palin. I like to party.” But now it’s our crack. It’s cheap. It’s no longer good for us.

Our favorite mantra is “Sarah Palin is so stupid.” Meanwhile, she should be up in Alaska saying, “Democrats are so stupid. They’re bashing me as if I even matter.”

What’s our supposed nightmare? Sarah Palin as the Republican nominee? We should only be so lucky. Obama, at the nadir of his popularity beats her handily.

If we were as smart as we think we are, we should conduct an about-face and unleash an avalanche of Tweets: “Sarah Palin is my hero.” “Wow, she is smart, even if she did kill those people in Tuscon.”

What’s a real nightmare? We all continue to spit out, “I hate Sarah Palim. What an imbecile.” Meanwhile Hail to the Chief is playing to an introduction of President Romney…or Huckabee.”

And why don’t we have as much of a problem with these guys? They’re smarter than Palin. But that’s exactly what petrifies me! That’s what we really need: Someone with the same beliefs as Palin who can actually form sentences.

Listen, I know it’s fun to continue to mock Palin for the third straight year. The tabloids, the imbecility, the fake glasses. It’s gold. But we have to branch out. What is she’s not on Republican ticket? We haven’t developed any other material!

But it’s not easy. What have we got with Mitt Romney? “Mitt? What is that? A name or a baseball glove.” It’s lame.. And as progressives, we don’t want to go after his Mormonism. That is disrespectful and wrong. Although, when it comes to religions, it is one of the funnier ones. Hey, if Romney wins, who will be the First Ladies? Plural. Get it? Okay, you do.

And Huckabee? I hear my fellow liberal friends say, “But he’s such a nice guy,” as if congeniality matters when he stands for everything we’re against? We wouldn’t afford the same leniency to a guest a dinner party. “You supported the invasion of Iraq, are against a woman’s right to choose, and believe homosexuality is a sin against God.” That’s okay, because you are such a nice guy. Yes, please continue to date my sister. More couscous?”

It’s time to take off the “mitts” on these guys. Huckabee’s such a nice guy. Yea, but his weight fluctuates more the Oprah’s. There. It’s done. I broke the cherry. It’s a terrible joke. But the first time is never good.

Or we may have to do the unthinkable and take these men on based on the issues. Believe me. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to read a newspaper with regularity. I would rather just watch Bristol on “Dancing with the Stard.” But we must take the leap sometime.

So next time you’re talking with a bunch of progressive friends and the irresistible urge comes up to hate on Palin, take a deep breath. Ask yourself, “What is this really going to get me?” Yes, it will be a moment of pleasure. But soon you’ll be passed out drunk through the election of the next Republican President.

Let’s at least take the first step and admit we have a problem.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

The “N” Word

No, it’s not the really terrible “N” word, don’t worry. I’m just talking about “Nazi.” And if you listen to political discourse today, it’s certainly not taboo. It’s barely even a bad word. The term is thrown around more frequently and lightly than “lol” on text message.

Now, silly me, I thought Nazi referred to someone who committed genocide. Now apparently it means someone who supports a healthcare bill. The word has lost all meaning. It has become the equivalent of "Doo-doo Head." You may as well be hearing, "My esteemed colleague is a doo-doo head."

Political discourse has become kids hurling insults at each other in the schoolyard. "You're a Nazi!" "I know you are but what am I?"

Nazi now refers to someone who is kind of a jerk. And Hitler is someone you disagree with.

What are we going to do if actual Nazis reappear? "You know, Nazis are back in Europe." "Nazis? You mean dorks?" "No, mass murderers!" "Oh. I thought a Nazi means someone who has the cooties."

The far right has certainly lost it. Putting a Hitler mustache on a photo of Obama is crazy. And putting a Hitler mustache on Obama and displaying it in New York’s Upper West Side is certifiable.

But the far left may have opened the door in the last decade by comparing George Bush with Hitler and his administration to the Third Reich. (Hey, but at least the far left didn’t have entire cable channel to spew and legitimize its message).

Yet, during the Bush years, I heard the comparisons: “The Third Reich trampled on civil rights. The Bush administration tramples on civil rights. The Third Reich hid coffins. The Bush administration hides coffins.” They may as well have said, “The Nazi like to bowl. The White House has a bowling alley.”

It’s an illogical equivalent. Just because certain characteristics are alike, does not make them equals. It’s like claiming, “A chair has four legs and you sit on it. Therefore, a chair is a horse.” “No, I disagree. A chair is not a horse.” “But you have to admit, a chair is very similar to a llama.”

The humorizing and lightening of the word “Nazi” has been going on some time. I remember in the 90s, when “Seinfeld” popularized “The Soup Nazi.” Suddenly everyone was jokingly using the word. Everyone became a Nazi. Friends would use it after workouts with trainers: “She’s such an Exercise Nazi.” People weren’t even waiting until all Holocaust survivors died before using “Nazi” to poke light fun at your spin instructor.

The present political climate, however, intends to use the word seriously. But the absurdity of its use has taken away the sting. If someone calls me a Nazi now, I may confuse it with a compliment. I’d figure I was having a good hair day.

Can we please put Nazi back in its proper context? Let’s agree, unless someone is rounding up groups of people and leading them to certain death, do not call them a Nazi. May I suggest instead the lovely term, “dickwad”? What’s wrong with a good old-fashioned, "That guy’s a tool”? When it comes to politics, Nazis are few and far between. But nearly everyone’s a tool.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

We Sell Solutions to Help Grow Your Business

I am continuing my rant about the vague and obfuscating language in today's advertising and marketing.

Notice how companies no longer sell things like copiers, they sell "solutions." About 20 years ago, someone got this brilliant idea that "we don't sell things; we now sell solutions to grow your business," and companies have been running with this nonsense for the last two decades.

And why do use this language? Because they think it sounds smart. But really, it does just the opposite. That's because we used to be able to connect the dots ourselves. We knew that our problem was that we needed copies. We needed the solution of getting those duplicates. And distributing those copies to more customers would grow our business. We put that all together with our little noodles.

So in attempting to talk to us like we're smart, they're now speaking to us like we're total idiots.

So thank you for spelling out what a copier can do for me, you pretentious, patronizing fucks.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Pie Charts and Bull Shit

We as a nation don't make anything anymore. All we do are pie charts. We're going to be owned by China while suffocating under the weight of our Powerpoint slides. We used to be concerned about just survival. You think a caveperson would etch on bar graph on a cave wall, "Eating of boar meat increased 5% in the last quarter. Would cavepeople have a vague marketing company. "We provide turnkey solutions for gathering berries."

And speaking of being sick of things. You know who I'm sick of? "Sully" Sullenberg. No, I'm not really sick of him. But I am sick of corporate people using Sully to beef up their PowerPoint presentations. "And if we can tap into the courage and expertise of a Sully Sullenberg, then we can make 1st quarter projections here at American Regional Tire Center."