Thursday, October 14, 2010

Political Commentary

At this point, I don't want to live in a world without Sarah Palin. Her whole family's entertaining. That Christine O'Donnell is fun too. Sure, I don't want them to hold office. But I do want them on my AOL headlines.

Who I'll really miss in a few weeks: Carl Paladino. Talk about a hoot. That's how I entertain myself. In between Netflix discs, I love to read about the wacky things he says.

Paladino got on Andrew Cuomo for bringing his kids to the Gay Pride Parade. Because there are men in speedos. But Hooters is a family restaurant. Jiggle jiggle.

He kept describing the "Men in speedos grinding each other," which he insisted was 'disgusting" It was so vivid. It obviously made quite an impression on him. When you're that descriptive, it's hard to believe you're that bothered. "Men in speedos grinding against each other. Their muscled arms embracing. A glistening of sweat. The sun against their backs like a golden kiss. Taut buttock against buttock. This is not a display for children on their fathers' shoulders, blocking my view. Kids, who you have to elbow out of the way to get closer. This is not for children! It's for you and me!"

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Can you believe it? She's a Gold Digger!

Whoever, whatever you are, we're all in this together. Latinos, Blacks, Jews. Because we're all hated by Mel Gibson. One day, we'll all have to hide from him together.

I love how people justify that he said those things because he was drunk. How do you go to that extreme? "What a splendid party. I'd love some dip [sip]...the Jews started every war!" What kind of beer was that? Obviously German.

Some guys defended Mel, saying the girlfriend who recorded him is a manipulative gold-digger. Of course she's a manipulative bitch! I love how these men are always so shocked that a chick 20 years younger than them turns out to be after their money. What a shocker. Who could see that coming?

"Man, bitch was a gold-digger." "No! Sierra? Really? The one who wears a thong? And who's on that reality TV show, 'Real Whores of Paramus'?" "I know, dude. I just want a nice girl. That's why I drive up to titty bars in my Maserati."

These are the guys who want money to get women. But they don't want women who want them for money. How does that work? It's not logical. "I want a bucket for water. But I don't want water in my bucket."

Plainly, what do men want? A lot of pussy. But pussy does not come free. Financially or emotionally. There should be a price tag on our vaginas. Hanging off the one hair missed by the waxer. Because with a lot of pussy comes things you may not want. Like kids, and child support, and angry women. Because with a great amount of pussy comes great responsibility. I think Gandhi said that.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Press "1" for Non-Stupidity

Many are upset about immigrants who don't learn the English language. A woman I know is very upset about, particularly because she herself is a immigrant...from England! Yes, she had so such trouble learning the language! "When I came to this country, I spelled the word 'color' with a 'u'! It wasn't easy!' "When I swam across the Atlantic and landed on the Upper East Side, I put periods outside the quotation marks. But I learned!" "Should I demand to press '2' for Queen's English?!"


I think women should wear burqas. You know how we're always complaining about being cold? That's why men really want women to wear them. To control the thermostat. "How's the temparature?" "Very comfortable." "Good. Because Allah wants me to keep it a good 68 degrees."

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Some questions that haunt me

Lesbian or midwest?
Does that haircut say she likes women or is she just from Ohio?

Gay or just a straight guy from San Francisco?

And one close to home, inspired by my mother:

Retarded or southern?

Why is she asking these moronic questions? Why is she saying these idiotic things?

Is she mentally challenged or just from Texas?

My mother asks questions I can never answer. Like, "Do you still just love New York?"

As if at any point I walk in a state of constant love, especially in New York. Oh yes, when I step over that garbage and the rat runs across my foot, that's when I twirl down the street and throw my beret in the air, wand sing Frank Sinatra.

One of my favorite of her questions, when we're having a meal: "Taste good to you?" What, you mean the barf coming up my throat now that you said that statement?

My mother gets way too excited about things. "I met this man who has son who you may want to meet." Lie she's about to break out into, "And what I'm trying to say, sugar, is it's a man. A real live man. A man, mama? Thank the Lord. Especially since the war is on and all the menfolk have been shipped off."

The Most Dramatic Bachelorette Ever

On this season's Bachelorette, as Allie goes through this journey, some men aren't there for the right reasons, leading to some of the most dramatic rose ceremonies ever.

Because Allie has given up everything to be here: Her job, her apartment. All things she could find on Craigslist.

Because, dear Lord, how will she find another studio apartment and job in Internet Advertising Sales?

So far Allie seems most drawn to Frank, who gets way to excited about things for a straight man. "Lisbon! YES!!" But then again, Allie comes from San Francisco. So compared to where she's been, Frank must seem downright macho. So what if you can imagine him listening to Lady Gaga?

Are these guys there for the right reasons? Am I watching for the right reasons? Have I lost all reason? 'Til next week.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Only gay men notice my tits

"Oh look at your boobs. So beautiful." No, not the comments from hetero men. I'm getting to the point where only gay men notice my boobs. Straight men now insult me by looking me in the eyes.

While performing at a rowdy gay bar, a man yelled out, "Look at your breasts." There was no hope of getting them to pay attention to my stand-up. So I did what anyone would do. I flashed them. All while screaming, "I am an artist!""I do incisive social commentary!" "I have things to say!" But at this point, I gotta take the breast-attention where I can get it. And why not sacrifice my integrity to get it?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Viagra side effect

New reports say that a side effect of Viagra is hearing loss. That's a man's dream. Being able to fuck a woman without having to listen to her. Because you know what they say. Behind every great man is a woman, he's trying to shut up.

It is art

There's an art exhibit currently happening at the MOMA. Naked people are everywhere. I thought that's usually called a strip club. But I guess now it's art. "Yea, we have people smoking pipes. No, it's not a crack den. It's art."

At the beginning of the exhibit, you go through an entrance-way between two nude people. People say, the effect is to make you uncomfortable. Of course it makes you uncomfortable! That's why they don't make real entrance-ways out of naked people. They use bricks.

Museum-goers are emotional and moved when they see the exhibit. Yes, moved to join Weight Watchers.

Write it on the Google Doc

Most offices now use tons of Google Docs. Wonder if it's everywhere? Like at the Defense Department. "Put this on the Iraq Google Doc. No, that's the Afghanistan tab." 'Is that Iran." "We just want to have the spreadsheet ready."

Smashed Pussy

A comic said to soldiers in the audience, "Why aren't you out smashing pussy?" Smashing pussy. That's just the kind of romantic talk women love to hear.

Smashing pussy. Is that the name of a band?

It really sounds like a side dish. Meatloaf and smashed pussy. Something Paula Deen would make. "You put in a pound of butter. Then you smash the pussy."

I don't care how long your baby is

Married friends sending out birth announcements: I don't care how long your baby is. Length? Don't give a crap. Same really about weight. If it's in the range of normal, don't tell me. Now if it's 2 feet long and 32 pounds, that's something I want to know.


I was waiting on line to pay at a deli. The cashier was taking a seriously long time. I finally got up to pay and the guy took that opportunity to say to me, "I don't like black people. Yap yap too much." Nice. So I said I don't like slow Latinos. Then I gave him a ticket to Arizona. Yes, fighting racism with racism.

Actually I always go to a cafe in my neighborhood. Hippy white people serve you. They take forever to make a freakin' bagel. That's when I pray to be served by an illegal immigrant.

Happy Memorial Day

It was Fleet Week in New York City. And I must say I am not so into the men in uniform. Now, if it were unemployed hippy loser week, I would be all over it. "Look at him. He looks like a derelict homeless man. I'm so glad it's stoner week."

Problem is I lover stoner guys. I hate pot. It's terrible. It's like asking a fish not to swim.

I had a three-day weekend so I went to the cat shelter I volunteer at three times. The women asked if I was sure I wanted to come again for the third time. It's official: Crazy cat ladies are finding me pitiful.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I'm a Trust Fund Kid

Not many know this, but I have a trust fund. It's true. And with the state of the stock market, and after splitting with my brother and sister, last year I collected a cool $6000. Gross. We're talking before taxes. Yes, people, my cable tv is paid for. Unless I go on vacation. At which point I need to get a second job to cover the electric bill.

Yes, people look at me with envy being this trust fund baby. And many people just call me a JAP, or JAP Lite, or JAPPYish, or a failed JAP. But only some of us were born with a silver spoon found at a garage sale in our mouth.

Facebook is trying to advertise to me!!

I cannot believe that Facebook is trying to advertise to me, and using my demographic information and interests to target that those ads. How dare they try to get revenue in the same fashion they've been doing for a hundred years?

How is this surprising? Isn't it obvious that Facebook knows everything about us? Every time I log on there are Jewish stars everywhere. And ads for Natalie Merchant concerts. They have me pegged. I logged in today, and here were the ads targeted to me: Preventing Uterine Fibroids, Adopting a Cat, Get Renters' Insurance with a picture of a cat.

The same people among us who worry constantly about how the government knows too much about us did not catch on until now that it's actually private companies that have all the information. Google? Search engine, documents, email. What's wrong with using one company for all?

Please, we must stop the government from knowing what books I take out of the library. It can always just Google my Amazon list.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

To-The-Point Movie Reviews

Shutter Island

Wound up really liking it. But during the first half I felt like I was on a bad acid trip with Boston accents. "Why can't they say 'R'!!"


I went with some male friends, who made fun of me because I wanted to see "It's Complicated," some chick flick. Well, after see Avatar I know "It's Complicated" had to be less faggy than that movie. "I see you, Jake Sully." Avatar, you're a pussy.

Where do I even begin with Avatar? When the Navi were doing that swaying, praying in unison, I thought, "Do they really have time for pilates?"

The whole movie can be summarized as Dances with Aliens.

The Oscar: I really want Kathryn Bigelow to win, to be the first woman to win an Oscar for directing. She directed The Hurt Locker. No, I haven't seen it. But I don't care. It could be Porky's 5 and I'd still want her to win.