The Split

In this country, there are two groups that have fundamentally different viewpoints of the world: those that think the Bible is God's law, and those of us that think that God's law is really man's law, as man really created it. It's such different premises of reality that we'll never come together. We really should break off into different countries if we did not need them to fight our wars for oil.

Mr. Mrs.

At work we keep a database of customers. A co-worker always types the women’s names with “Mrs.” It’s hard enough to keep track of their emails. Now we have to know their marital status? “We’ll set up your account. And by the way, how’s your relationship? Are she and her husband still making whoopee?”

I told him you need to use “Ms” and he said, “You’re such a feminist.” That’s not the point, dimwit. Maybe we shouldn’t be in our customer’s bedrooms. And how do you find out if they’re married? Do you come out and ask? Or just dance around it like, “How many cats do you have? Are you going to die alone?” Well, men die first so that doesn’t prove anything.

What if the customer is a eunuch or thinks of gender as a societal construct?

Mrs. Beatrice Johnson. So formal like it should be in calligraphy. Jesus, this is not a Jane Austin novel. This is a call center!

What kind of Jew are you?

There are different types of Jews. There are those with the long skirts, hats, and I don't relate to them so much. I consider them more Amish. You have your Jappy Jews. Some people look at me and just first, cursive glance, may consider me Jappy. But if I were a Jap, I'd be a failed Jap.

No, I'm ot so much Real Housewives, but a social worker-type Jew. The type of Jew who's likely carrying trail mix. One who would teach composition to English as a second language students. Who would adopt a Guatemalan baby to make a statement. Other Jews may run the banks and the media. I'll run the soup kitchen.

The type of Jew who feels really badly about everything. You don't know why but you'll use it.