Inside Snow Job

9/11 conspiracy theorists: I would believe them if they didn't all look like loons. I would listen to their arguments, if I wasn't distracted by their eyeballs going in five different directions.

Even their websites look they're created by psychopaths. What is that font called? Satan?

I'm surprised how widespread some of these beliefs are. Like the belief the buildings shouldn't have fallen down because of planes crashing into them. They say the guy who made the building said they wouldn't fall. I'm sorry, you're believing a vendor? The guy who wanted the contract? Of course he would say they would withstand an airplane crash. I can also do a 90 minute set clean. At least that's what I tell the booker.

The problem is, on one side we have witnessed live and on footage, planes crashing into the buildings and the buildings falling. On the other, you have words. What am I going to believe. What was seen by a billion people or your blog?

I do think the 9/11 conspiracies prove something very compelling. There is a common thread. Behind all those arguments are guys who smoke too much weed. Can anyone give me these arguments who is not baked? They say, "There's so much written about it being an inside job." You know what's also been written a lot about? How hallucinogens cause delusions and paranoia.

I'll Let You Have Your Privacy

Doctors' offices don't even pretend to be in the service business anymore. "We can squeeze you in tomorrow at 12:30." "Nothing later?" "No, either tomorrow at 12:30 or suffer forever!"

It's gotten to the point that I'm now going to an old male gynecologist, because then I would be one of the only patients. Most are too creeped out to go to men, much less old men anymore. "The Doctor is ready to see you now. He's been ready for a while. When he graduated in 1950, they didn't think women could become doctors."

They have a nurse be in the room with the gyno when he examines you. It's the law. But it just creeps me out more. I wasn't freaked out until she came in. It makes me wonder what would have happened if she weren't there.

Then the gyno said to undress below the waist, sit and put a sheet over me. Then he said, "I'll step out so you can have some privacy." Are you kidding? I'd rather you not waste the couple of minutes going out and the drop the charade. Yes, I have problem with you seeing me from ten feet away, but spread eagle is fine. I don't want to see a penis from across the street, just in my face.

Before I saw a female African-American gynecologist, which I constantly bragged about. I'd work it into conversations where it didn't belong. "Yes, it is hot today. Just like Africa. Speaking of Africa, my gynecologist..."

But not only was she really popular, she was hardly available because she's a genius and got in a practice that treated many Orthodox Jews. So she was constantly in the hospital delivering the Scheckel's eight and ninth babies.

I try to make statements with my choices. I also went to a pet store owned by Palestinians. I didn't even love the store, but when I heard that, I thought, I have to come back. This is the way to heal the rift, one bag of litter at a time. I would have gone to that store longer but they wanted too much land.

I must show my progressiveness. Back during the MySpace age, I would always try to include at least three black people in my top friends. Sometimes, I barely new them. One was my barista I just me that morning. Because I have to show that my life is a rainbow.

Oh, it's starting with the woman in the mirror.

This Blog Is Happening for a Reason

People need to put a positive spin on pain. "I went through this pain for a reason." "It all happens for a reason." "I had to go through all this to become the person I was meant to be." I can never get my head around this thinking. I wish I could. I'd love to impose an up-ending narrative on everything that's painful and tragic in the world.

I can't quite see that things happens for a reason. Nor can I get behind the idea that you are put through pain to become the person you were meant to be. Who pre-determines this person you were meant to be? And is this the same for every living thing? That mouse was eaten by the cat to become the gobbled-up rodent it was meant to be? But I guess the mouse did die for a reason. The cat was hungry.

What are these people even talking about when they say such platitudes?

You hear a lot of this talk in self-help-type workshops and groups. I know about this talk because well, I've gone to a lot of these things. And I like some of the wisdom and feelings shared.

But there are certain cliches that really get me. Such as this one I heard recently regarding suffering: "I think that we, at least we in the West, behave based on our suffering." What? We in the West? You can't speak for a whole hemisphere! So people in the East don't behave this way? And is this everyone in the East? So what you're describing applies to each of the billions of people in China AND Malaysia AND Pakistan AND Uzbekistan AND eastern Russia? And we, the West, does that include the Inuits or Native Hawaiians? And what about Africa? Do Africans behave this way, or only those places with Western influence? So just South Africa? Or not all of India, not, but the British-influenced India? By the West, are you just trying to say white people?

Or do you really mean the hemispheres? And does that mean there is a longitudinal line that delineates the East and West and the behavior changes once you've crossed that line? What if you have one foot in each hemisphere? Does half of you act out of your suffering?

Is this ridiculous-sounding dribble in line with the person you were meant to be? Instead of trying to explain that things happen for a "reason," why don't you instead start speaking with reason? That is what's really meant to be.

I Do Want to Marry My Dog

Now that gay people can marry, I do want to marry my dog. We really get along. No, believe me, I have never been attracted to a dog. But they say in marriage, the sex leaves anyhow and you’re just left with companionship. No one is a better companion. Who wouldn't want to marry your "best friend"? And I could register for pet supplies. I would have never thought of marrying my dog in a million years. But it’s a great idea. Thank you, homophobic crazies.

(fill in the blank) is like Hitler

Hitler and Nazi used to mean people who committed genocide. Now they're used to describe someone who slightly annoys us.

The Hitler and Nazi comparison in politics must end.

It is, of course, absurd to compare Barack Obama to Hitler. But those who have compared George Bush to Hitler and his administration to Nazi Germany are also at fault.

I used to hear commentators on radio doing the comparisons. "Just look at the similarities. It's startling." they'd say. "The Administration is curbing rights. Nazi Germany curbed rights. The Bush administration is not allowing the media to show military coffins. Nazis did the same." They may as well have added, "The White House has a bowling alley. The Nazis loved bowling."

Even today, some of those rightly upset about the crazy Obama/Third Reich comparisons consider it appropriate with Bush. "Well, the commonalities are striking." Just because thing A shares elements in common with thing B, does not make them the same or even similar. It's like saying, "A horse has four legs. So does a desk. Therefore a horse is a lot like a desk." Mm, not really.

Some people just don't get why you should not compare anyone with Hitler other than other architects of mass murder. Why? Because you sound crazy and nothing you say after that can be taken seriously.

When people hear Hitler or Nazi Germany, the immediate next thoughts are nine million murdered, gas chambers, and piles of skeletons. That is by far the headline on him. Nothing else comes close. So when you compare Obama or George Bush or Dick Cheney to Hitler, this is what you sound like:

Person 1: That guy is just like O.J. Simpson.
Person 2: You mean he murdered two people?
Person 1: No, he stole memorabilia.

Or

Person 1: That guy is just like O.J. Simpson?
Person 2: Because he killed and got away with it?
Person 1: No. Because he's a spokesperson for a rental car company.

You sound like a loon, who is not in touch with common human reality. And you take away any credibility you may have had prior. No one will listen anything you say after that, nor should they.

So my political enemies and friends alike, please stop. Just stop.

fashion sense - nun

You know how nuns dress when they’re out of their uniform. It’s exactly how male to female transsexuals dress. Skirt up to their boobs, the bow on their shirt, those horrible lady flats. It’s like they both got their style cues from 1930s schoolmarms. Strange that two groups with such different sensibilities have the same style sensibility.

There needs to be a fashion intervention for both of them on one show. Queer eye for the former guy. “Matching orange pocketbook and shoes. We need to get you out of that habit.”

Mrs.

At work, we have a customer database. A guy at my work, when he puts in a woman’s name, he selects “Mrs.” I told him it should be Ms. And he goes, “Oh, you’re such a feminist.”

No, ot’s not just about being a feminist, you pea-brained little boy boy. Mrss is impractical. We can barely keep track of their contact information, now we have to keep up with the status of their relationships?

“Hi. What? You can’t log onto the site? Okay, we’ll take care of that. And by the way, how is your marriage? How are things in the bedroom? We need this for our records. So, do you fight over money?….Psst. She’s on Firefox and she’s separated. So note that in the database. Choose Ms. She says Mrs. Is just too painful."