Write it on the Google Doc

Most offices now use tons of Google Docs. Wonder if it's everywhere? Like at the Defense Department. "Put this on the Iraq Google Doc. No, that's the Afghanistan tab." 'Is that Iran." "We just want to have the spreadsheet ready."

Smashed Pussy

A comic said to soldiers in the audience, "Why aren't you out smashing pussy?" Smashing pussy. That's just the kind of romantic talk women love to hear.

Smashing pussy. Is that the name of a band?

It really sounds like a side dish. Meatloaf and smashed pussy. Something Paula Deen would make. "You put in a pound of butter. Then you smash the pussy."

I don't care how long your baby is

Married friends sending out birth announcements: I don't care how long your baby is. Length? Don't give a crap. Same really about weight. If it's in the range of normal, don't tell me. Now if it's 2 feet long and 32 pounds, that's something I want to know.

Deli

I was waiting on line to pay at a deli. The cashier was taking a seriously long time. I finally got up to pay and the guy took that opportunity to say to me, "I don't like black people. Yap yap too much." Nice. So I said I don't like slow Latinos. Then I gave him a ticket to Arizona. Yes, fighting racism with racism.

Actually I always go to a cafe in my neighborhood. Hippy white people serve you. They take forever to make a freakin' bagel. That's when I pray to be served by an illegal immigrant.

Happy Memorial Day

It was Fleet Week in New York City. And I must say I am not so into the men in uniform. Now, if it were unemployed hippy loser week, I would be all over it. "Look at him. He looks like a derelict homeless man. I'm so glad it's stoner week."

Problem is I lover stoner guys. I hate pot. It's terrible. It's like asking a fish not to swim.

I had a three-day weekend so I went to the cat shelter I volunteer at three times. The women asked if I was sure I wanted to come again for the third time. It's official: Crazy cat ladies are finding me pitiful.

I'm a Trust Fund Kid

Not many know this, but I have a trust fund. It's true. And with the state of the stock market, and after splitting with my brother and sister, last year I collected a cool $6000. Gross. We're talking before taxes. Yes, people, my cable tv is paid for. Unless I go on vacation. At which point I need to get a second job to cover the electric bill.

Yes, people look at me with envy being this trust fund baby. And many people just call me a JAP, or JAP Lite, or JAPPYish, or a failed JAP. But only some of us were born with a silver spoon found at a garage sale in our mouth.

Facebook is trying to advertise to me!!

I cannot believe that Facebook is trying to advertise to me, and using my demographic information and interests to target that those ads. How dare they try to get revenue in the same fashion they've been doing for a hundred years?

How is this surprising? Isn't it obvious that Facebook knows everything about us? Every time I log on there are Jewish stars everywhere. And ads for Natalie Merchant concerts. They have me pegged. I logged in today, and here were the ads targeted to me: Preventing Uterine Fibroids, Adopting a Cat, Get Renters' Insurance with a picture of a cat.

The same people among us who worry constantly about how the government knows too much about us did not catch on until now that it's actually private companies that have all the information. Google? Search engine, documents, email. What's wrong with using one company for all?

Please, we must stop the government from knowing what books I take out of the library. It can always just Google my Amazon list.