I am a white chick. Thus, I can get cabs. It's a special talent. Taxis nearly run each other over pick me up. When I'm walking late at night, a cab will inch up next to me, honk it's horn. They solicit me.
It also has to do with the fact that I am a magnet for middle eastern men. I'm very popular at newsstands. My Facebook friends requests looks like a terrorist watch list. "Muhammad Amoud wants to be your friend." I'm not sure if they know I'm a dirty Jew, but at any rate, they're my demographic.
So middle eastern cab drivers want to pick me up. Thus, it was one of the most proud moments of my life when I was able use this gift to secure a cab for a black family.
A family--a man, woman and child--asked me to help them out one night. I put up my hand. The taxi screeched to a halt. The driver smiled broadly, "Where do you need to go?" "South Bronx. Come on, Tyrone." And then the family, all donned in do-rags, including the two year old, climbed in. It was a moment for America. I think Obama is going to give me a Congressional Medal for it. "And for securing a taxi for black people in Times Square...Hilary Schwartz." Thank you.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Even More Annoyed Liberal
I was taking a jog with a friend past LA houses in Brentwood. Well, she was jogging. I was kind of moving in a semblance of jog. But basically, when I run, people pass me walking.
Some of the houses had tacky gold lions on the gates. My friend explained that these were the homes of Iranian immigrants. And yes, to us the decor is tacky. It's not our taste, but we can't impose our taste on another culture. If we only took to the same liberal point of view to white trash. "Pink Flamingos in the lawn aren't my taste." "Sitting in fold out chairs outside your mobile home, chugging a Pabst and then resting the beer on your belly fat isn't my choice...""Screwing my cousin isn't my idea of a fun Saturday night, but..."
Some of the houses had tacky gold lions on the gates. My friend explained that these were the homes of Iranian immigrants. And yes, to us the decor is tacky. It's not our taste, but we can't impose our taste on another culture. If we only took to the same liberal point of view to white trash. "Pink Flamingos in the lawn aren't my taste." "Sitting in fold out chairs outside your mobile home, chugging a Pabst and then resting the beer on your belly fat isn't my choice...""Screwing my cousin isn't my idea of a fun Saturday night, but..."
Romance Musings
Several years ago, a boyfriend wanted to take a trip with me. His destination pick: Berlin. There was just no way I was picking up the phone and telling my family I am going away with my non-Jewish boyfriend to Germany. How could he suggest that? It's like asking taking your African-American lover on a transatlantic cruise. It's just in bad taste.
Oh, I just saw the Sex and the City movie. I can really relate to that show, except for the shopping, the dating, and the sex.
You know what song I love? Bruce Springsteen's "Secret Garden." It's either the most romantic song or just a ditty about vagina. If that song were written about me, it would be called "Secret Garden that needs to be weeded."
You know what? Who cares if relationships with men don't work out. I have a higher power. Yes, God finds me attractive. In the eyes of the Lord, I am a hot piece of ass.
Oh, I just saw the Sex and the City movie. I can really relate to that show, except for the shopping, the dating, and the sex.
You know what song I love? Bruce Springsteen's "Secret Garden." It's either the most romantic song or just a ditty about vagina. If that song were written about me, it would be called "Secret Garden that needs to be weeded."
You know what? Who cares if relationships with men don't work out. I have a higher power. Yes, God finds me attractive. In the eyes of the Lord, I am a hot piece of ass.
My Christmas Card
Many of my friends with kids have been sending me Christmas cards with their very cute kids. Being single and childless, I still want to send out my own cards. I figure it'll be a photo of me holding my headshot.
Monday, December 8, 2008
More Annoyed Liberal
As Obama picks people from the Clinton era to fill his top posts, some wonder, is this really change?
Listen, change was a marketing theme. And like all good marketing themes, it has truth to it, but it's slanted. Yes, it's change we can believe in. And Bounty's the quickest picker-upper.
And Obama is doing the correct by picking people with experience. What did we think? He was going to hire 20 year olds from his rallies. "The new Secretary of Commerce is Jonas. Jonas most recently worked at Starbucks. And his band's album is on CD baby."
When it comes down to it, Obama knows you got to have experience. It's what I always like best about Obama. He's so much smarter than his supporters.
Listen, change was a marketing theme. And like all good marketing themes, it has truth to it, but it's slanted. Yes, it's change we can believe in. And Bounty's the quickest picker-upper.
And Obama is doing the correct by picking people with experience. What did we think? He was going to hire 20 year olds from his rallies. "The new Secretary of Commerce is Jonas. Jonas most recently worked at Starbucks. And his band's album is on CD baby."
When it comes down to it, Obama knows you got to have experience. It's what I always like best about Obama. He's so much smarter than his supporters.
My New Slogan
This post is really just for comedians.
As I plan my website, I'm thinking that a slogan that really defines who I am and where I stand in the comedy community is in order. Here are the front runners.
Hilary Schwartz: When You Really, Really Can't get Rachel Feinstein
and
Susan Prekel not available? Try Hilary Schwartz. Yea, it feels risky...but...oh, just call Chelsea Peretti.
As I plan my website, I'm thinking that a slogan that really defines who I am and where I stand in the comedy community is in order. Here are the front runners.
Hilary Schwartz: When You Really, Really Can't get Rachel Feinstein
and
Susan Prekel not available? Try Hilary Schwartz. Yea, it feels risky...but...oh, just call Chelsea Peretti.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
The Annoyed Liberal
Most people I know are pretty liberal. So during the campaign, my friends said, "If McCain wins, I'm moving to Canada." And I was like, "Then go McCain." No, I did not want him to be President, but I did need a break from these people. My annoying friends moving to Canada? That is change I can believe in.
Yes, I'm one of those white liberals. And you know what? We're annoying too. I'm the kind of annoying white liberal that whenever I make a friend who's a minority, I immediately put them in my Top 8 Friends, so I can show them off at my non-profit job.
As a white liberal, I also enjoy accusing other whites people of being racist without much evidence. As in, "I thought Hillary Clinton's health plan was better." "What, are you in the Ku Klux Klan?
White liberals' main goal in life is to not seem racist. It's more important than anything. That's why if some conservative preacher says hateful things about gays, it's, "This guy's an asshole." But if Louis Farrakhan talks shit about Jews, we're like, "He has some good points. What else does he have to say?" You know what's really not racist? Calling them both out equally. It's not the color of their skin. It's the content of their fucked-up character.
And why is it still okay to dump on the Jews? Just because we hate ourselves doesn't mean everyone can jump on the bandwagon. Yes, hating on Jews is one of my favorite activities. That and yoga. But that doesn't mean everyone can pile on. Anti-Semitism. Yet another thing the Jews invented.
You know who must be secretly disappointed in Obama's win? Michael Moore. Criticizing government was his bread and butter. What's he going to do now? He'll have to write "Stupid Half-White Men."
Parts of Fahrenheit 9-11 were ridiculous. Like he said that the media scared us after 9-11. As if the Towers were taken down by a blog. He blames journalism for instilling fear in people. Then he said people like Marilyn Manson just reflect society. So Michael Moore's main message was, it's not the media…it's the media.
Since Obama's election, here are other things I'm looking forward to not hearing from fellow liberals: "Well, in Europe, everything is great." and something I once heard out of a "rational" person's mouth: "American is the only country that has racism." As if Parisians and Muslims are skipping together hand-in-hand down the Champs-Elysees.
So you really have to respect the conservatives. They are for life, a culture of life...except if you are an Iraqi. But if you are an American embryo, living in a petrie dish in these United States, they will go to the ends of the earth to save you...until they make up a reason to send you to war.
And they actually think the Bible is the word of God. When people take the Bible that literally, you can't speak to them rationally. You have to speak on their level. "Yes, God did write most of the Bible. But then Satan stole the manuscript. It was on the seventh day when God rested. The Devil wrote in those things about homosexuality and slavery. And then he snuck it back on God's desk. It's true. You never learned this in Sunday School? The break-in by Beelzebub? Never?"
And then there are the conservatives with their guns and hunting. It's disgusting. They need to be more like us liberals and buy their meat from Whole Foods like good hypocrites. Please, let them have their hunting. I don't like them shooting those animals, but they don't like me aborting my late-term fetus. We don't have the same hobbies. You say tomato; I say get out of my uterus.
Yes, I'm one of those white liberals. And you know what? We're annoying too. I'm the kind of annoying white liberal that whenever I make a friend who's a minority, I immediately put them in my Top 8 Friends, so I can show them off at my non-profit job.
As a white liberal, I also enjoy accusing other whites people of being racist without much evidence. As in, "I thought Hillary Clinton's health plan was better." "What, are you in the Ku Klux Klan?
White liberals' main goal in life is to not seem racist. It's more important than anything. That's why if some conservative preacher says hateful things about gays, it's, "This guy's an asshole." But if Louis Farrakhan talks shit about Jews, we're like, "He has some good points. What else does he have to say?" You know what's really not racist? Calling them both out equally. It's not the color of their skin. It's the content of their fucked-up character.
And why is it still okay to dump on the Jews? Just because we hate ourselves doesn't mean everyone can jump on the bandwagon. Yes, hating on Jews is one of my favorite activities. That and yoga. But that doesn't mean everyone can pile on. Anti-Semitism. Yet another thing the Jews invented.
You know who must be secretly disappointed in Obama's win? Michael Moore. Criticizing government was his bread and butter. What's he going to do now? He'll have to write "Stupid Half-White Men."
Parts of Fahrenheit 9-11 were ridiculous. Like he said that the media scared us after 9-11. As if the Towers were taken down by a blog. He blames journalism for instilling fear in people. Then he said people like Marilyn Manson just reflect society. So Michael Moore's main message was, it's not the media…it's the media.
Since Obama's election, here are other things I'm looking forward to not hearing from fellow liberals: "Well, in Europe, everything is great." and something I once heard out of a "rational" person's mouth: "American is the only country that has racism." As if Parisians and Muslims are skipping together hand-in-hand down the Champs-Elysees.
So you really have to respect the conservatives. They are for life, a culture of life...except if you are an Iraqi. But if you are an American embryo, living in a petrie dish in these United States, they will go to the ends of the earth to save you...until they make up a reason to send you to war.
And they actually think the Bible is the word of God. When people take the Bible that literally, you can't speak to them rationally. You have to speak on their level. "Yes, God did write most of the Bible. But then Satan stole the manuscript. It was on the seventh day when God rested. The Devil wrote in those things about homosexuality and slavery. And then he snuck it back on God's desk. It's true. You never learned this in Sunday School? The break-in by Beelzebub? Never?"
And then there are the conservatives with their guns and hunting. It's disgusting. They need to be more like us liberals and buy their meat from Whole Foods like good hypocrites. Please, let them have their hunting. I don't like them shooting those animals, but they don't like me aborting my late-term fetus. We don't have the same hobbies. You say tomato; I say get out of my uterus.
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