Hilaryes

The Split

2012-01-25T22:59:00.000-08:00

In this country, there are two groups that have fundamentally different viewpoints of the world: those that think the Bible is God's law, and those of us that think that God's law is really man's law, as man really created it. It's such different premises of reality that we'll never come together. We really should break off into different countries if we did not need them to fight our wars for oil.

Mr. Mrs.

2012-01-25T22:33:00.000-08:00

At work we keep a database of customers. A co-worker always types the women’s names with “Mrs.” It’s hard enough to keep track of their emails. Now we have to know their marital status? “We’ll set up your account. And by the way, how’s your relationship? Are she and her husband still making whoopee?”

I told him you need to use “Ms” and he said, “You’re such a feminist.” That’s not the point, dimwit. Maybe we shouldn’t be in our customer’s bedrooms. And how do you find out if they’re married? Do you come out and ask? Or just dance around it like, “How many cats do you have? Are you going to die alone?” Well, men die first so that doesn’t prove anything.

What if the customer is a eunuch or thinks of gender as a societal construct?

Mrs. Beatrice Johnson. So formal like it should be in calligraphy. Jesus, this is not a Jane Austin novel. This is a call center!

What kind of Jew are you?

2012-01-23T22:54:00.000-08:00

There are different types of Jews. There are those with the long skirts, hats, and I don't relate to them so much. I consider them more Amish. You have your Jappy Jews. Some people look at me and just first, cursive glance, may consider me Jappy. But if I were a Jap, I'd be a failed Jap.

No, I'm ot so much Real Housewives, but a social worker-type Jew. The type of Jew who's likely carrying trail mix. One who would teach composition to English as a second language students. Who would adopt a Guatemalan baby to make a statement. Other Jews may run the banks and the media. I'll run the soup kitchen.

The type of Jew who feels really badly about everything. You don't know why but you'll use it.

Inside Snow Job

2011-09-14T20:31:00.000-07:00

9/11 conspiracy theorists: I would believe them if they didn't all look like loons. I would listen to their arguments, if I wasn't distracted by their eyeballs going in five different directions.

Even their websites look they're created by psychopaths. What is that font called? Satan?

I'm surprised how widespread some of these beliefs are. Like the belief the buildings shouldn't have fallen down because of planes crashing into them. They say the guy who made the building said they wouldn't fall. I'm sorry, you're believing a vendor? The guy who wanted the contract? Of course he would say they would withstand an airplane crash. I can also do a 90 minute set clean. At least that's what I tell the booker.

The problem is, on one side we have witnessed live and on footage, planes crashing into the buildings and the buildings falling. On the other, you have words. What am I going to believe. What was seen by a billion people or your blog?

I do think the 9/11 conspiracies prove something very compelling. There is a common thread. Behind all those arguments are guys who smoke too much weed. Can anyone give me these arguments who is not baked? They say, "There's so much written about it being an inside job." You know what's also been written a lot about? How hallucinogens cause delusions and paranoia.

I'll Let You Have Your Privacy

2011-08-09T20:14:00.000-07:00

Doctors' offices don't even pretend to be in the service business anymore. "We can squeeze you in tomorrow at 12:30." "Nothing later?" "No, either tomorrow at 12:30 or suffer forever!"

It's gotten to the point that I'm now going to an old male gynecologist, because then I would be one of the only patients. Most are too creeped out to go to men, much less old men anymore. "The Doctor is ready to see you now. He's been ready for a while. When he graduated in 1950, they didn't think women could become doctors."

They have a nurse be in the room with the gyno when he examines you. It's the law. But it just creeps me out more. I wasn't freaked out until she came in. It makes me wonder what would have happened if she weren't there.

Then the gyno said to undress below the waist, sit and put a sheet over me. Then he said, "I'll step out so you can have some privacy." Are you kidding? I'd rather you not waste the couple of minutes going out and the drop the charade. Yes, I have problem with you seeing me from ten feet away, but spread eagle is fine. I don't want to see a penis from across the street, just in my face.

Before I saw a female African-American gynecologist, which I constantly bragged about. I'd work it into conversations where it didn't belong. "Yes, it is hot today. Just like Africa. Speaking of Africa, my gynecologist..."

But not only was she really popular, she was hardly available because she's a genius and got in a practice that treated many Orthodox Jews. So she was constantly in the hospital delivering the Scheckel's eight and ninth babies.

I try to make statements with my choices. I also went to a pet store owned by Palestinians. I didn't even love the store, but when I heard that, I thought, I have to come back. This is the way to heal the rift, one bag of litter at a time. I would have gone to that store longer but they wanted too much land.

I must show my progressiveness. Back during the MySpace age, I would always try to include at least three black people in my top friends. Sometimes, I barely new them. One was my barista I just me that morning. Because I have to show that my life is a rainbow.

Oh, it's starting with the woman in the mirror.

This Blog Is Happening for a Reason

2011-07-14T21:40:00.000-07:00

People need to put a positive spin on pain. "I went through this pain for a reason." "It all happens for a reason." "I had to go through all this to become the person I was meant to be." I can never get my head around this thinking. I wish I could. I'd love to impose an up-ending narrative on everything that's painful and tragic in the world.

I can't quite see that things happens for a reason. Nor can I get behind the idea that you are put through pain to become the person you were meant to be. Who pre-determines this person you were meant to be? And is this the same for every living thing? That mouse was eaten by the cat to become the gobbled-up rodent it was meant to be? But I guess the mouse did die for a reason. The cat was hungry.

What are these people even talking about when they say such platitudes?

You hear a lot of this talk in self-help-type workshops and groups. I know about this talk because well, I've gone to a lot of these things. And I like some of the wisdom and feelings shared.

But there are certain cliches that really get me. Such as this one I heard recently regarding suffering: "I think that we, at least we in the West, behave based on our suffering." What? We in the West? You can't speak for a whole hemisphere! So people in the East don't behave this way? And is this everyone in the East? So what you're describing applies to each of the billions of people in China AND Malaysia AND Pakistan AND Uzbekistan AND eastern Russia? And we, the West, does that include the Inuits or Native Hawaiians? And what about Africa? Do Africans behave this way, or only those places with Western influence? So just South Africa? Or not all of India, not, but the British-influenced India? By the West, are you just trying to say white people?

Or do you really mean the hemispheres? And does that mean there is a longitudinal line that delineates the East and West and the behavior changes once you've crossed that line? What if you have one foot in each hemisphere? Does half of you act out of your suffering?

Is this ridiculous-sounding dribble in line with the person you were meant to be? Instead of trying to explain that things happen for a "reason," why don't you instead start speaking with reason? That is what's really meant to be.

I Do Want to Marry My Dog

2011-07-11T21:43:00.001-07:00

Now that gay people can marry, I do want to marry my dog. We really get along. No, believe me, I have never been attracted to a dog. But they say in marriage, the sex leaves anyhow and you’re just left with companionship. No one is a better companion. Who wouldn't want to marry your "best friend"? And I could register for pet supplies. I would have never thought of marrying my dog in a million years. But it’s a great idea. Thank you, homophobic crazies.

(fill in the blank) is like Hitler

2011-06-28T13:31:00.000-07:00

Hitler and Nazi used to mean people who committed genocide. Now they're used to describe someone who slightly annoys us.

The Hitler and Nazi comparison in politics must end.

It is, of course, absurd to compare Barack Obama to Hitler. But those who have compared George Bush to Hitler and his administration to Nazi Germany are also at fault.

I used to hear commentators on radio doing the comparisons. "Just look at the similarities. It's startling." they'd say. "The Administration is curbing rights. Nazi Germany curbed rights. The Bush administration is not allowing the media to show military coffins. Nazis did the same." They may as well have added, "The White House has a bowling alley. The Nazis loved bowling."

Even today, some of those rightly upset about the crazy Obama/Third Reich comparisons consider it appropriate with Bush. "Well, the commonalities are striking." Just because thing A shares elements in common with thing B, does not make them the same or even similar. It's like saying, "A horse has four legs. So does a desk. Therefore a horse is a lot like a desk." Mm, not really.

Some people just don't get why you should not compare anyone with Hitler other than other architects of mass murder. Why? Because you sound crazy and nothing you say after that can be taken seriously.

When people hear Hitler or Nazi Germany, the immediate next thoughts are nine million murdered, gas chambers, and piles of skeletons. That is by far the headline on him. Nothing else comes close. So when you compare Obama or George Bush or Dick Cheney to Hitler, this is what you sound like:

Person 1: That guy is just like O.J. Simpson.
Person 2: You mean he murdered two people?
Person 1: No, he stole memorabilia.

Or

Person 1: That guy is just like O.J. Simpson?
Person 2: Because he killed and got away with it?
Person 1: No. Because he's a spokesperson for a rental car company.

You sound like a loon, who is not in touch with common human reality. And you take away any credibility you may have had prior. No one will listen anything you say after that, nor should they.

So my political enemies and friends alike, please stop. Just stop.

fashion sense - nun

2011-06-27T21:24:00.000-07:00

You know how nuns dress when they’re out of their uniform. It’s exactly how male to female transsexuals dress. Skirt up to their boobs, the bow on their shirt, those horrible lady flats. It’s like they both got their style cues from 1930s schoolmarms. Strange that two groups with such different sensibilities have the same style sensibility.

There needs to be a fashion intervention for both of them on one show. Queer eye for the former guy. “Matching orange pocketbook and shoes. We need to get you out of that habit.”

Mrs.

2011-06-27T21:07:00.000-07:00

At work, we have a customer database. A guy at my work, when he puts in a woman’s name, he selects “Mrs.” I told him it should be Ms. And he goes, “Oh, you’re such a feminist.”

No, ot’s not just about being a feminist, you pea-brained little boy boy. Mrss is impractical. We can barely keep track of their contact information, now we have to keep up with the status of their relationships?

“Hi. What? You can’t log onto the site? Okay, we’ll take care of that. And by the way, how is your marriage? How are things in the bedroom? We need this for our records. So, do you fight over money?….Psst. She’s on Firefox and she’s separated. So note that in the database. Choose Ms. She says Mrs. Is just too painful."

Just My Imagination

2011-05-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

A guy I know said his computer broke down, so he had to masturbate using his imagination. Welcome to being a woman. We always use our imagination. We don't exactly take out a picture of George Clooney and have at it.

I can't believe anyone would think woman are more stupid than men. Men whack off, salivating like retarded monkeys. Meanwhile we turn into Victorian novelists. We're Virginia Woolf with a vibrator.

We use our imagination to masturbate. We also use our imagination while having sex with you. Some say women aren't visual when it comes to sex. But we like looking at good looking men. We've just learned to shut our eyes. You look so much better in there. You get full makeovers. In our minds, you have another haircut, other clothes, you're someone else.

Hollywood now celebrates the beauty of black, well, light cappucino women

2011-02-28T18:07:00.000-08:00

On the Oscars, Halle Barry honored Lena Horne, who was a trailblazer, and allowed for someone like Halle Barry to follow. But at this point in time, can we stop acting so proud that the door has been swung open for black women who look pretty white.

Beige Lena Horne paving the way for latte-toned Halle Barry is not breaking new ground. If romantic comedies started starring the girl from Precious. That would be ground-breaking.

Teaching Should Be the Profession Judged by Merit

2011-02-22T23:05:00.000-08:00

There has been a lot of debate lately about giving teacher's merit and performance-based pay, as well as getting rid of bad teachers. Some say this: teachers should be rewarded if they do a good job and fired if they do bad, "just as it is in every other line of work."

My question for the people who make this statement: What are these other professions where you're rewarded or fired based on merit?

Some people have this idea that the private sector creates this objective evaluation of employees. Is this the way it's worked in any private sector job you have had? Because it certainly has not in mine.

Come on. Who are they kidding when they say, "just as it is in every other industry"? This is way it really is: You're a manager who nearly bankrupts a financial institution. Result: Million dollar bonus. You're a coke, crack and probably meth-head. Result: 1.8 million dollars an episode.

And there are countless small examples in everyday life. There's a guy I should have fired a year ago. Can't bring myself to do it. A woman who gets in at mid-afternoon. But hell, she does a good job once she's there. Result: raise!

We all know of times the powers that be have kept somebody on because, hell, they sometimes bring in cookies. And it's just so annoying to train someone else. Or he/she's sleeping with the VP.

Why don't these teacher-bashers say the only thing that makes sense, which is to make teaching the ONLY merit-based profession. Why don't they say, let's reward good performance and punish bad, the opposite of how it is everywhere else.

Men Are Addicted to the Charlie Sheen Fantasy

2011-02-22T22:57:00.000-08:00

A lot of guys defend Charlie Sheen. And they defended Tiger Woods during the height of his scandal. These celebrities are fantasies for men. They're leading the life they want to live, rich and without rules. But more than that, it's as if real men one day expect to be them and live that life. But they won't.

Regular guys defending Charlie Sheen is like blue collar workers voting Republican because one day they will be rich.

America likes to pretend that the exception is the rule. Because someone made millions of dollars, you can millions. Because someone is a billionaire, gets any woman he wants, is a crackhead, and just gets more money for it, so can you. No you can't.

Face it. You're not going to be Charlie Sheen or Tiger Woods. You will continue to be drug tested for your cubicle job. If you're a crackhead, you'll be fired and homeless. And if you continuously cheat on your wife, she will leave you and take half your money. And you only have $300.

To quote Malcolm Gladwelll...

2011-02-07T18:59:00.000-08:00

I thoroughly enjoy the Malcolm Gladwell books. They are very interesting.

But too many people now drop his name at parties too proudly, almost congratulating themselves for having read such heavy tomes. "You've read Malcolm Gladwell, right?"

Get over it. These books are not that complicated. You read a reader-friendly 200 pages. Stop acting like you waded through five volumes of Kierkegaard.

Hating Sarah Palin Is Like Crack

2011-01-30T21:21:00.001-08:00

“I am a Democrat and I am addicted to bashing Sarah Palin.” “Hi, Democrat.”

Bashing Sarah Palin has become a favorite pastime. But it has spun out of control into an all-out addiction. Sure, it started out as recreation. “Hey, I’m making fun of Sarah Palin. I like to party.” But now it’s our crack. It’s cheap. It’s no longer good for us.

Our favorite mantra is “Sarah Palin is so stupid.” Meanwhile, she should be up in Alaska saying, “Democrats are so stupid. They’re bashing me as if I even matter.”

What’s our supposed nightmare? Sarah Palin as the Republican nominee? We should only be so lucky. Obama, at the nadir of his popularity beats her handily.

If we were as smart as we think we are, we should conduct an about-face and unleash an avalanche of Tweets: “Sarah Palin is my hero.” “Wow, she is smart, even if she did kill those people in Tuscon.”

What’s a real nightmare? We all continue to spit out, “I hate Sarah Palim. What an imbecile.” Meanwhile Hail to the Chief is playing to an introduction of President Romney…or Huckabee.”

And why don’t we have as much of a problem with these guys? They’re smarter than Palin. But that’s exactly what petrifies me! That’s what we really need: Someone with the same beliefs as Palin who can actually form sentences.

Listen, I know it’s fun to continue to mock Palin for the third straight year. The tabloids, the imbecility, the fake glasses. It’s gold. But we have to branch out. What is she’s not on Republican ticket? We haven’t developed any other material!

But it’s not easy. What have we got with Mitt Romney? “Mitt? What is that? A name or a baseball glove.” It’s lame.. And as progressives, we don’t want to go after his Mormonism. That is disrespectful and wrong. Although, when it comes to religions, it is one of the funnier ones. Hey, if Romney wins, who will be the First Ladies? Plural. Get it? Okay, you do.

And Huckabee? I hear my fellow liberal friends say, “But he’s such a nice guy,” as if congeniality matters when he stands for everything we’re against? We wouldn’t afford the same leniency to a guest a dinner party. “You supported the invasion of Iraq, are against a woman’s right to choose, and believe homosexuality is a sin against God.” That’s okay, because you are such a nice guy. Yes, please continue to date my sister. More couscous?”

It’s time to take off the “mitts” on these guys. Huckabee’s such a nice guy. Yea, but his weight fluctuates more the Oprah’s. There. It’s done. I broke the cherry. It’s a terrible joke. But the first time is never good.

Or we may have to do the unthinkable and take these men on based on the issues. Believe me. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to read a newspaper with regularity. I would rather just watch Bristol on “Dancing with the Stard.” But we must take the leap sometime.

So next time you’re talking with a bunch of progressive friends and the irresistible urge comes up to hate on Palin, take a deep breath. Ask yourself, “What is this really going to get me?” Yes, it will be a moment of pleasure. But soon you’ll be passed out drunk through the election of the next Republican President.

Let’s at least take the first step and admit we have a problem.

The “N” Word

2011-01-22T22:54:00.000-08:00

No, it’s not the really terrible “N” word, don’t worry. I’m just talking about “Nazi.” And if you listen to political discourse today, it’s certainly not taboo. It’s barely even a bad word. The term is thrown around more frequently and lightly than “lol” on text message.

Now, silly me, I thought Nazi referred to someone who committed genocide. Now apparently it means someone who supports a healthcare bill. The word has lost all meaning. It has become the equivalent of "Doo-doo Head." You may as well be hearing, "My esteemed colleague is a doo-doo head."

Political discourse has become kids hurling insults at each other in the schoolyard. "You're a Nazi!" "I know you are but what am I?"

Nazi now refers to someone who is kind of a jerk. And Hitler is someone you disagree with.

What are we going to do if actual Nazis reappear? "You know, Nazis are back in Europe." "Nazis? You mean dorks?" "No, mass murderers!" "Oh. I thought a Nazi means someone who has the cooties."

The far right has certainly lost it. Putting a Hitler mustache on a photo of Obama is crazy. And putting a Hitler mustache on Obama and displaying it in New York’s Upper West Side is certifiable.

But the far left may have opened the door in the last decade by comparing George Bush with Hitler and his administration to the Third Reich. (Hey, but at least the far left didn’t have entire cable channel to spew and legitimize its message).

Yet, during the Bush years, I heard the comparisons: “The Third Reich trampled on civil rights. The Bush administration tramples on civil rights. The Third Reich hid coffins. The Bush administration hides coffins.” They may as well have said, “The Nazi like to bowl. The White House has a bowling alley.”

It’s an illogical equivalent. Just because certain characteristics are alike, does not make them equals. It’s like claiming, “A chair has four legs and you sit on it. Therefore, a chair is a horse.” “No, I disagree. A chair is not a horse.” “But you have to admit, a chair is very similar to a llama.”

The humorizing and lightening of the word “Nazi” has been going on some time. I remember in the 90s, when “Seinfeld” popularized “The Soup Nazi.” Suddenly everyone was jokingly using the word. Everyone became a Nazi. Friends would use it after workouts with trainers: “She’s such an Exercise Nazi.” People weren’t even waiting until all Holocaust survivors died before using “Nazi” to poke light fun at your spin instructor.

The present political climate, however, intends to use the word seriously. But the absurdity of its use has taken away the sting. If someone calls me a Nazi now, I may confuse it with a compliment. I’d figure I was having a good hair day.

Can we please put Nazi back in its proper context? Let’s agree, unless someone is rounding up groups of people and leading them to certain death, do not call them a Nazi. May I suggest instead the lovely term, “dickwad”? What’s wrong with a good old-fashioned, "That guy’s a tool”? When it comes to politics, Nazis are few and far between. But nearly everyone’s a tool.

We Sell Solutions to Help Grow Your Business

2011-01-09T19:18:00.000-08:00

I am continuing my rant about the vague and obfuscating language in today's advertising and marketing.

Notice how companies no longer sell things like copiers, they sell "solutions." About 20 years ago, someone got this brilliant idea that "we don't sell things; we now sell solutions to grow your business," and companies have been running with this nonsense for the last two decades.

And why do use this language? Because they think it sounds smart. But really, it does just the opposite. That's because we used to be able to connect the dots ourselves. We knew that our problem was that we needed copies. We needed the solution of getting those duplicates. And distributing those copies to more customers would grow our business. We put that all together with our little noodles.

So in attempting to talk to us like we're smart, they're now speaking to us like we're total idiots.

So thank you for spelling out what a copier can do for me, you pretentious, patronizing fucks.

Pie Charts and Bull Shit

2011-01-04T20:17:00.000-08:00

We as a nation don't make anything anymore. All we do are pie charts. We're going to be owned by China while suffocating under the weight of our Powerpoint slides. We used to be concerned about just survival. You think a caveperson would etch on bar graph on a cave wall, "Eating of boar meat increased 5% in the last quarter. Would cavepeople have a vague marketing company. "We provide turnkey solutions for gathering berries."

And speaking of being sick of things. You know who I'm sick of? "Sully" Sullenberg. No, I'm not really sick of him. But I am sick of corporate people using Sully to beef up their PowerPoint presentations. "And if we can tap into the courage and expertise of a Sully Sullenberg, then we can make 1st quarter projections here at American Regional Tire Center."

Political Commentary

2010-10-14T22:01:00.000-07:00

At this point, I don't want to live in a world without Sarah Palin. Her whole family's entertaining. That Christine O'Donnell is fun too. Sure, I don't want them to hold office. But I do want them on my AOL headlines.

Who I'll really miss in a few weeks: Carl Paladino. Talk about a hoot. That's how I entertain myself. In between Netflix discs, I love to read about the wacky things he says.

Paladino got on Andrew Cuomo for bringing his kids to the Gay Pride Parade. Because there are men in speedos. But Hooters is a family restaurant. Jiggle jiggle.

He kept describing the "Men in speedos grinding each other," which he insisted was 'disgusting" It was so vivid. It obviously made quite an impression on him. When you're that descriptive, it's hard to believe you're that bothered. "Men in speedos grinding against each other. Their muscled arms embracing. A glistening of sweat. The sun against their backs like a golden kiss. Taut buttock against buttock. This is not a display for children on their fathers' shoulders, blocking my view. Kids, who you have to elbow out of the way to get closer. This is not for children! It's for you and me!"

Can you believe it? She's a Gold Digger!

2010-08-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

Whoever, whatever you are, we're all in this together. Latinos, Blacks, Jews. Because we're all hated by Mel Gibson. One day, we'll all have to hide from him together.

I love how people justify that he said those things because he was drunk. How do you go to that extreme? "What a splendid party. I'd love some dip [sip]...the Jews started every war!" What kind of beer was that? Obviously German.

Some guys defended Mel, saying the girlfriend who recorded him is a manipulative gold-digger. Of course she's a manipulative bitch! I love how these men are always so shocked that a chick 20 years younger than them turns out to be after their money. What a shocker. Who could see that coming?

"Man, bitch was a gold-digger." "No! Sierra? Really? The one who wears a thong? And who's on that reality TV show, 'Real Whores of Paramus'?" "I know, dude. I just want a nice girl. That's why I drive up to titty bars in my Maserati."

These are the guys who want money to get women. But they don't want women who want them for money. How does that work? It's not logical. "I want a bucket for water. But I don't want water in my bucket."

Plainly, what do men want? A lot of pussy. But pussy does not come free. Financially or emotionally. There should be a price tag on our vaginas. Hanging off the one hair missed by the waxer. Because with a lot of pussy comes things you may not want. Like kids, and child support, and angry women. Because with a great amount of pussy comes great responsibility. I think Gandhi said that.

Press "1" for Non-Stupidity

2010-07-05T12:02:00.000-07:00

Many are upset about immigrants who don't learn the English language. A woman I know is very upset about, particularly because she herself is a immigrant...from England! Yes, she had so such trouble learning the language! "When I came to this country, I spelled the word 'color' with a 'u'! It wasn't easy!' "When I swam across the Atlantic and landed on the Upper East Side, I put periods outside the quotation marks. But I learned!" "Should I demand to press '2' for Queen's English?!"

Pro-Burqa

2010-07-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

I think women should wear burqas. You know how we're always complaining about being cold? That's why men really want women to wear them. To control the thermostat. "How's the temparature?" "Very comfortable." "Good. Because Allah wants me to keep it a good 68 degrees."

Some questions that haunt me

2010-07-01T20:20:00.000-07:00

Lesbian or midwest?
Does that haircut say she likes women or is she just from Ohio?

Gay or just a straight guy from San Francisco?

And one close to home, inspired by my mother:

Retarded or southern?

Why is she asking these moronic questions? Why is she saying these idiotic things?

Is she mentally challenged or just from Texas?

My mother asks questions I can never answer. Like, "Do you still just love New York?"

As if at any point I walk in a state of constant love, especially in New York. Oh yes, when I step over that garbage and the rat runs across my foot, that's when I twirl down the street and throw my beret in the air, wand sing Frank Sinatra.

One of my favorite of her questions, when we're having a meal: "Taste good to you?" What, you mean the barf coming up my throat now that you said that statement?

My mother gets way too excited about things. "I met this man who has son who you may want to meet." Lie she's about to break out into, "And what I'm trying to say, sugar, is it's a man. A real live man. A man, mama? Thank the Lord. Especially since the war is on and all the menfolk have been shipped off."

The Most Dramatic Bachelorette Ever

2010-07-01T20:06:00.000-07:00

On this season's Bachelorette, as Allie goes through this journey, some men aren't there for the right reasons, leading to some of the most dramatic rose ceremonies ever.

Because Allie has given up everything to be here: Her job, her apartment. All things she could find on Craigslist.

Because, dear Lord, how will she find another studio apartment and job in Internet Advertising Sales?

So far Allie seems most drawn to Frank, who gets way to excited about things for a straight man. "Lisbon! YES!!" But then again, Allie comes from San Francisco. So compared to where she's been, Frank must seem downright macho. So what if you can imagine him listening to Lady Gaga?

Are these guys there for the right reasons? Am I watching for the right reasons? Have I lost all reason? 'Til next week.

Only gay men notice my tits

2010-06-09T18:32:00.000-07:00

"Oh look at your boobs. So beautiful." No, not the comments from hetero men. I'm getting to the point where only gay men notice my boobs. Straight men now insult me by looking me in the eyes.

While performing at a rowdy gay bar, a man yelled out, "Look at your breasts." There was no hope of getting them to pay attention to my stand-up. So I did what anyone would do. I flashed them. All while screaming, "I am an artist!""I do incisive social commentary!" "I have things to say!" But at this point, I gotta take the breast-attention where I can get it. And why not sacrifice my integrity to get it?

Viagra side effect

2010-06-01T22:00:00.000-07:00

New reports say that a side effect of Viagra is hearing loss. That's a man's dream. Being able to fuck a woman without having to listen to her. Because you know what they say. Behind every great man is a woman, he's trying to shut up.

It is art

2010-06-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

There's an art exhibit currently happening at the MOMA. Naked people are everywhere. I thought that's usually called a strip club. But I guess now it's art. "Yea, we have people smoking pipes. No, it's not a crack den. It's art."

At the beginning of the exhibit, you go through an entrance-way between two nude people. People say, the effect is to make you uncomfortable. Of course it makes you uncomfortable! That's why they don't make real entrance-ways out of naked people. They use bricks.

Museum-goers are emotional and moved when they see the exhibit. Yes, moved to join Weight Watchers.

Write it on the Google Doc

2010-06-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

Most offices now use tons of Google Docs. Wonder if it's everywhere? Like at the Defense Department. "Put this on the Iraq Google Doc. No, that's the Afghanistan tab." 'Is that Iran." "We just want to have the spreadsheet ready."

Smashed Pussy

2010-06-01T21:42:00.000-07:00

A comic said to soldiers in the audience, "Why aren't you out smashing pussy?" Smashing pussy. That's just the kind of romantic talk women love to hear.

Smashing pussy. Is that the name of a band?

It really sounds like a side dish. Meatloaf and smashed pussy. Something Paula Deen would make. "You put in a pound of butter. Then you smash the pussy."

I don't care how long your baby is

2010-06-01T21:37:00.000-07:00

Married friends sending out birth announcements: I don't care how long your baby is. Length? Don't give a crap. Same really about weight. If it's in the range of normal, don't tell me. Now if it's 2 feet long and 32 pounds, that's something I want to know.

Deli

2010-06-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

I was waiting on line to pay at a deli. The cashier was taking a seriously long time. I finally got up to pay and the guy took that opportunity to say to me, "I don't like black people. Yap yap too much." Nice. So I said I don't like slow Latinos. Then I gave him a ticket to Arizona. Yes, fighting racism with racism.

Actually I always go to a cafe in my neighborhood. Hippy white people serve you. They take forever to make a freakin' bagel. That's when I pray to be served by an illegal immigrant.

Happy Memorial Day

2010-06-01T21:14:00.000-07:00

It was Fleet Week in New York City. And I must say I am not so into the men in uniform. Now, if it were unemployed hippy loser week, I would be all over it. "Look at him. He looks like a derelict homeless man. I'm so glad it's stoner week."

Problem is I lover stoner guys. I hate pot. It's terrible. It's like asking a fish not to swim.

I had a three-day weekend so I went to the cat shelter I volunteer at three times. The women asked if I was sure I wanted to come again for the third time. It's official: Crazy cat ladies are finding me pitiful.

I'm a Trust Fund Kid

2010-05-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

Not many know this, but I have a trust fund. It's true. And with the state of the stock market, and after splitting with my brother and sister, last year I collected a cool $6000. Gross. We're talking before taxes. Yes, people, my cable tv is paid for. Unless I go on vacation. At which point I need to get a second job to cover the electric bill.

Yes, people look at me with envy being this trust fund baby. And many people just call me a JAP, or JAP Lite, or JAPPYish, or a failed JAP. But only some of us were born with a silver spoon found at a garage sale in our mouth.

Facebook is trying to advertise to me!!

2010-05-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe that Facebook is trying to advertise to me, and using my demographic information and interests to target that those ads. How dare they try to get revenue in the same fashion they've been doing for a hundred years?

How is this surprising? Isn't it obvious that Facebook knows everything about us? Every time I log on there are Jewish stars everywhere. And ads for Natalie Merchant concerts. They have me pegged. I logged in today, and here were the ads targeted to me: Preventing Uterine Fibroids, Adopting a Cat, Get Renters' Insurance with a picture of a cat.

The same people among us who worry constantly about how the government knows too much about us did not catch on until now that it's actually private companies that have all the information. Google? Search engine, documents, email. What's wrong with using one company for all?

Please, we must stop the government from knowing what books I take out of the library. It can always just Google my Amazon list.

To-The-Point Movie Reviews

2010-03-07T20:16:00.000-08:00

Shutter Island

Wound up really liking it. But during the first half I felt like I was on a bad acid trip with Boston accents. "Why can't they say 'R'!!"

Avatar

I went with some male friends, who made fun of me because I wanted to see "It's Complicated," some chick flick. Well, after see Avatar I know "It's Complicated" had to be less faggy than that movie. "I see you, Jake Sully." Avatar, you're a pussy.

Where do I even begin with Avatar? When the Navi were doing that swaying, praying in unison, I thought, "Do they really have time for pilates?"

The whole movie can be summarized as Dances with Aliens.

The Oscar: I really want Kathryn Bigelow to win, to be the first woman to win an Oscar for directing. She directed The Hurt Locker. No, I haven't seen it. But I don't care. It could be Porky's 5 and I'd still want her to win.

Little Bit Country

2009-04-07T09:41:00.000-07:00

Like most people on New York's Lower East Side, I watched the Country Music Awards.

Carrie Underwood, big winner. Love her. In her songs, she's taking a bat to her cheating boyfriend's car. She doesn't even know his last name. Guess Jesus never took the wheel. And if did, stop him, he's drunk! Jesus is DUI at the wheel, destroying Carrie Underwood's life!

Top Movie Professionls

2009-03-29T00:04:00.000-07:00

So many female characters in movies and TV work in art galleries. There are way more jobs in art galleries on the screen than there are in real life. The male equivalent: furniture maker. It's a perfect occupation for a male romantic lead. It combines a man doing physical labor, with sensitivity, and entrepreneurialship. What a female fantasy. He makes money while hammering.

New Movies

2009-01-05T14:14:00.000-08:00

I saw some movies over the holidays. "Slumdog Millionaire." Or what I like to call Lifetime with Indian people. N

"Milk" with Sean Penn. How great was he? And then I learned that when married, he beat Madonna. Which made me love him more. What a talent!

Yea, it's not right to hit a woman. But I'm sure she's real easy to live. How could you not slap Madonna? "Kaballah this! And stop with British accent accent. You're from Detroit."

The Benjamin Buttons movie. Fascinating. The woman grew older while the man she loved got younger. Also called "The Demi Moore Story." Subtitled, "A Cougar's Tale." It was such a cougar's fantasy. And then they were getting it on. She was old woman. He was like a teenager. And I thought, "Am I watching a movie or a Florida classroom? I didn't realize she was playing a middle school teacher."

A New War

2009-01-05T14:06:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentleman, we are at war. And unlike terrorism and the threat of nuclear weapons, this enemy is perhaps more dangerous, because it comes from within. I am, of course, talking about belly fat.

We see the ads screaming from Google and Facebook. "Your tummy is flabby. Your teeth are brown. And you are disgusting."

But we can defeat this menace. With the spread of freedom, peace, and the Bender Ball, and the Crunchless Abs program, we can beat the spread of the spread. Or we can just wear freakin' Spanx. And tell Google to whiten its own damn teeth.

I Can Get Cabs

2009-01-02T23:57:00.000-08:00

I am a white chick. Thus, I can get cabs. It's a special talent. Taxis nearly run each other over pick me up. When I'm walking late at night, a cab will inch up next to me, honk it's horn. They solicit me.

It also has to do with the fact that I am a magnet for middle eastern men. I'm very popular at newsstands. My Facebook friends requests looks like a terrorist watch list. "Muhammad Amoud wants to be your friend." I'm not sure if they know I'm a dirty Jew, but at any rate, they're my demographic.

So middle eastern cab drivers want to pick me up. Thus, it was one of the most proud moments of my life when I was able use this gift to secure a cab for a black family.

A family--a man, woman and child--asked me to help them out one night. I put up my hand. The taxi screeched to a halt. The driver smiled broadly, "Where do you need to go?" "South Bronx. Come on, Tyrone." And then the family, all donned in do-rags, including the two year old, climbed in. It was a moment for America. I think Obama is going to give me a Congressional Medal for it. "And for securing a taxi for black people in Times Square...Hilary Schwartz." Thank you.

Even More Annoyed Liberal

2009-01-02T20:49:00.000-08:00

I was taking a jog with a friend past LA houses in Brentwood. Well, she was jogging. I was kind of moving in a semblance of jog. But basically, when I run, people pass me walking.

Some of the houses had tacky gold lions on the gates. My friend explained that these were the homes of Iranian immigrants. And yes, to us the decor is tacky. It's not our taste, but we can't impose our taste on another culture. If we only took to the same liberal point of view to white trash. "Pink Flamingos in the lawn aren't my taste." "Sitting in fold out chairs outside your mobile home, chugging a Pabst and then resting the beer on your belly fat isn't my choice...""Screwing my cousin isn't my idea of a fun Saturday night, but..."

Romance Musings

2009-01-02T20:37:00.001-08:00

Several years ago, a boyfriend wanted to take a trip with me. His destination pick: Berlin. There was just no way I was picking up the phone and telling my family I am going away with my non-Jewish boyfriend to Germany. How could he suggest that? It's like asking taking your African-American lover on a transatlantic cruise. It's just in bad taste.

Oh, I just saw the Sex and the City movie. I can really relate to that show, except for the shopping, the dating, and the sex.

You know what song I love? Bruce Springsteen's "Secret Garden." It's either the most romantic song or just a ditty about vagina. If that song were written about me, it would be called "Secret Garden that needs to be weeded."

You know what? Who cares if relationships with men don't work out. I have a higher power. Yes, God finds me attractive. In the eyes of the Lord, I am a hot piece of ass.

My Christmas Card

2009-01-02T20:34:00.000-08:00

Many of my friends with kids have been sending me Christmas cards with their very cute kids. Being single and childless, I still want to send out my own cards. I figure it'll be a photo of me holding my headshot.

More Annoyed Liberal

2008-12-08T22:03:00.000-08:00

As Obama picks people from the Clinton era to fill his top posts, some wonder, is this really change?

Listen, change was a marketing theme. And like all good marketing themes, it has truth to it, but it's slanted. Yes, it's change we can believe in. And Bounty's the quickest picker-upper.

And Obama is doing the correct by picking people with experience. What did we think? He was going to hire 20 year olds from his rallies. "The new Secretary of Commerce is Jonas. Jonas most recently worked at Starbucks. And his band's album is on CD baby."

When it comes down to it, Obama knows you got to have experience. It's what I always like best about Obama. He's so much smarter than his supporters.

My New Slogan

2008-12-08T21:57:00.000-08:00

This post is really just for comedians.

As I plan my website, I'm thinking that a slogan that really defines who I am and where I stand in the comedy community is in order. Here are the front runners.

Hilary Schwartz: When You Really, Really Can't get Rachel Feinstein
and
Susan Prekel not available? Try Hilary Schwartz. Yea, it feels risky...but...oh, just call Chelsea Peretti.

The Annoyed Liberal

2008-12-06T00:32:00.000-08:00

Most people I know are pretty liberal. So during the campaign, my friends said, "If McCain wins, I'm moving to Canada." And I was like, "Then go McCain." No, I did not want him to be President, but I did need a break from these people. My annoying friends moving to Canada? That is change I can believe in.

Yes, I'm one of those white liberals. And you know what? We're annoying too. I'm the kind of annoying white liberal that whenever I make a friend who's a minority, I immediately put them in my Top 8 Friends, so I can show them off at my non-profit job.

As a white liberal, I also enjoy accusing other whites people of being racist without much evidence. As in, "I thought Hillary Clinton's health plan was better." "What, are you in the Ku Klux Klan?

White liberals' main goal in life is to not seem racist. It's more important than anything. That's why if some conservative preacher says hateful things about gays, it's, "This guy's an asshole." But if Louis Farrakhan talks shit about Jews, we're like, "He has some good points. What else does he have to say?" You know what's really not racist? Calling them both out equally. It's not the color of their skin. It's the content of their fucked-up character.

And why is it still okay to dump on the Jews? Just because we hate ourselves doesn't mean everyone can jump on the bandwagon. Yes, hating on Jews is one of my favorite activities. That and yoga. But that doesn't mean everyone can pile on. Anti-Semitism. Yet another thing the Jews invented.

You know who must be secretly disappointed in Obama's win? Michael Moore. Criticizing government was his bread and butter. What's he going to do now? He'll have to write "Stupid Half-White Men."

Parts of Fahrenheit 9-11 were ridiculous. Like he said that the media scared us after 9-11. As if the Towers were taken down by a blog. He blames journalism for instilling fear in people. Then he said people like Marilyn Manson just reflect society. So Michael Moore's main message was, it's not the media…it's the media.

Since Obama's election, here are other things I'm looking forward to not hearing from fellow liberals: "Well, in Europe, everything is great." and something I once heard out of a "rational" person's mouth: "American is the only country that has racism." As if Parisians and Muslims are skipping together hand-in-hand down the Champs-Elysees.

So you really have to respect the conservatives. They are for life, a culture of life...except if you are an Iraqi. But if you are an American embryo, living in a petrie dish in these United States, they will go to the ends of the earth to save you...until they make up a reason to send you to war.

And they actually think the Bible is the word of God. When people take the Bible that literally, you can't speak to them rationally. You have to speak on their level. "Yes, God did write most of the Bible. But then Satan stole the manuscript. It was on the seventh day when God rested. The Devil wrote in those things about homosexuality and slavery. And then he snuck it back on God's desk. It's true. You never learned this in Sunday School? The break-in by Beelzebub? Never?"

And then there are the conservatives with their guns and hunting. It's disgusting. They need to be more like us liberals and buy their meat from Whole Foods like good hypocrites. Please, let them have their hunting. I don't like them shooting those animals, but they don't like me aborting my late-term fetus. We don't have the same hobbies. You say tomato; I say get out of my uterus.

Hillary Clinton: I'll vote for you, just please stop crying!

2008-01-08T21:54:00.000-08:00

I feel like Hillary Clinton's victory in the New Hampshire primary is based on the fact that she choked up the day before. I have been leaning toward voting for her, but have been going back and forth with Obama, because, let's face it: For a well-meaning liberal, picking between the first woman and first African-American president is like Sophie's Choice. But Hillary Clinton choked up at that roundtable, and I've been feeling terrible all day. Then I talked to my mother last night, who herself was tearful saying, "People are so hard on women. It'll never be a woman. Not in my lifetime!" And now, I can't take it. Change, whatever. Just vote for her and make these woman stop bawling!

Save the Children

2007-12-16T16:13:00.001-08:00

It's weird how people justify beating kids. You hear this, "Yea, Daddy took a belt to me. But those were times." Yea, they used to throw Jews and gypsies in the oven. But those were the times. When women spoke their minds, they were set of fire. It was the fashion.

There was just a big newspaper report: the agency in charge of protecting abused kids lost eight children in New York City the last 12 months. On their watch, eight children died in New York City. Not bad! Only eight kids in all of New York City? If I were in charge of that agency, I'd say, "We have to do better. We must do better. But good work, people." No, don't get me wrong. It's tragic. But in every job there's going to be error. I mean, baseball players who are paid 50 million dollars are allowed to miss 8 out of 10 at bat. But these 20k-a-year case workers who go into these homes and are practically shot at, we expect to be perfect.

I mean, how would I like my work mistakes to be splattered on the cover of the New York Post? In the last 12 months, Hilary Schwartz: 5,841 typos.

Attempted Suicide: What Bullshit!

2007-12-16T16:12:00.001-08:00

Every day you hear about people, like actor Owen Wilson, who try and fail to kill themselves. Why are so many failing their suicide attempts? What is the difficulty? There are high buildings all around us. Surely you can get a gun. Every 12 year old has one. You don't know how many pills to take? Google it! In this information age, there is no excuse for failed self-offings.

Often you hear about an attempted suicide: "Maybe it was just a cry for help." You think so, brainiac? Let's hope it's a cry for help. Otherwise, these people aren't just clinically depressed, they're incompetent.

You know, some days I want to kill myself. But then I look in the mirror. And the thought comes: "What, and waste this hot ass?" It's hard to kill yourself when you have dark hair and light eyes. You think, "I must soldier on, for humanity." Yes, behind my insecurity lies a deep-rooted arrogance.

Linday Lohan: A Bump in the Road

2007-12-16T16:11:00.000-08:00

I'm getting older. I work with some people in their early 20s and they were obsessed with the Paris Hilton going to jail scandal. I could care less. I thought, "Isn't there some good gossip about Morgan Fairchild? What's happening with the cast of Knots Landing?"

But the recent Lindsay Lohan controversy caught my attention. She was arrested for DUI, but people seem more upset with the small amount of cocaine found in her pocket. But she had to pep herself up. She had to drive! The law should be do not drink and drive...without cocaine. I don't get behind the wheel on Benadryl without blow. So please, kids, do not operate heavy machinery unless you've popped an upper.

Live Earth: A Commentary

2007-12-16T16:10:00.000-08:00

Live Earth was celebrity-filled concert that spanned seven continents to raise awareness about conservation. Do you know what it takes to put on a concert across seven continents? A lot of energy! Yes, that's what we should do with our last remaining resources. Jet around Bon Jovi. The event was against its very cause. It's as if at Live Aid, we made Africans vomit up food.

I'm so sick of the way they think we'll follow any movement if it's pitched with celebrities. "People will listen to the dangers of global warming, if it's told to them by Carmen Electra." I turned on Live Earth, heard what Cameron Diaz is doing to save the planet, and then personally spilled an oil tanker. This is not the kind of earth I want to save.